


a glimmer in the sunshine

by vaporwaveNico



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, F/F, Intrigue, Lesbians, Polyamory Done Badly, Science Fiction, Sequel, Tarot, some nsfw (mild)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-07-18 21:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 37,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7330789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaporwaveNico/pseuds/vaporwaveNico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maki knew Honoka was the most determined person in the world. She always had been, even at sixteen. What do you say to a force of nature, the heat of the sun that fed the plants and kept the planet warm? She was a flower and Honoka was a ball of gas that the planets revolved around. </p><p>A globe-spanning sci-fi mystery sequel. </p><p>Maki x Honoka, mentions of the usual LL! pairings, some pairings are spoilers~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Honking for Love

**Author's Note:**

> An incredibly self indulgent sci-fi sequel. 
> 
> Or, I saw two seconds of magical realism in the show, and just ran with it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maki starts college, and meets a face she didn't expect to see. How will pre-med go with Honoka Kousaka along for the ride?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited as of 6/23/2017 for updated intro, changed dialogue, and minor plothole fixes

The future had always been a looming certainty to Maki. Her fate, like the stars, had always been set in stone. Go to college, become a doctor, take over the hospital one day. There had been deviances in that plan, allowed indulgently by the universe: music, Love Live, a dalliance with a red-eyed imp. But never had her feet slipped off the path set before her. Her name was Maki Nishikino, and she was going to become a surgeon one day.

Never, had Maki assumed, that the future was malleable.

 

* * *

 

She’d had woken up early for the first day of college. Her outfit had been picked out the night before- black shorts, black shirt, black throw, obligatory sunglasses- everything from her water bottle to her playlist for the train station had been picked out. Her breakfast was a smoothie along with fresh pears, she would always remember later.

This was it. This was college. No going back now. Maki couldn’t so much as enjoy the scenery on the short ride in, the blossom-dappled shrines and rolling hills that folded the tiny private college town in its agricultural embrace. It was not hers, not the way Akihabara was. The tips of the trees had sprouted bright green, full of dewy leaf buds, and Maki thought of the familiar pines outside her own bedroom.

Nor could Maki enjoy the rush of students that crowded into the partly-forested campus; the calls to friends from the previous years, the fresh smell of spring that covered the main courtyard. The dandelions were allowed free rein in the cracks of the brick path, the grass had been cut, the fountains were sparkling in full clear splendor.

Maki noticed none of it.

Principles of biology was her first class, in a high red stone building covered in ivy. Don’t think of Otonozaki. Maki looked to the sky, in the drowsy overcast day girls could be seen atop the roof eating, chatting together. Maki smiled, a bittersweet smile. Hanayo and Rin had gone to the same school in Tokyo; Hanayo for drawing, Rin had a baseball scholarship. Nico had offered to live together in Osaka but Maki had to turn her down. (Not that she didn’t regret it.) Nozomi and Eli had a cute apartment in Sapporo now, and Kotori, Umi, and Honoka had started their own little band, travelling around the world. Maki missed them and it ached, a hole in her chest when she saw a collection of girls walking together into the massive lecture hall. She’d had that belonging, for one brief moment. With the slightest exhale she took a seat in the back, eyes trained to her textbook, diligently making an outline of the projected lesson. Half an hour later the professor arrived, ten minutes following that students started trickling in. Maki watched at first. The girls in their cute clothes, the boys full of energy (and volume.) She stopped after seeing a bright young girl in a hoodie, orange hair, full smile. The girl was too much like Honoka and Maki had to turn away, least she remember the good times.

Maki would view that first week as the strangest blur later: the rush to classes, eating alone in the courtyard, the long walks around campus, hours in the library. After classes she’d find an empty choir room to play the piano. Just like the old days. It wasn’t terrible. There was a comfort in repeating the old behaviors. Music and books filled her, kept her from drowning in this beautiful lonely place. Her schedule was a heavy one for a freshman. 18 credits. Even her father suggested she tone it down, to learn to adjust to college before filling every waking second with classes and homework. What Maki couldn’t bring herself to say was she couldn’t imagine joining another club again, finding new people to talk to. Her lab partner was a pompous twit, her roommate in the apartment just as distant and cool as she was. Homework was always finished far too fast. Nights became flute sessions, rehearsing old dance chirographies in her room, notebooks full of half-finished songs. She would leave her windows open in the evenings, her delicate melody carrying out into the wet spring air.

 

* * *

 

It was the middle of the second week before she noticed a certain voice in Principles of Biology that kept asking questions. It was basic stuff, things anyone who had paid attention to biology class in high school would have known, but… “But what do bacteria eat? The voice questioned, hand raised high. “Where they carnivores or herbivores? Bacteriavores?” The professor seemed amused the first Wednesday and by Friday was throwing chalk at the girl. By the second week he was looking murderous from under his cap of messy white hair.

“Of course aliens exist, professor!” the voice had piped up in a discussion of early life that had somehow led to a discussion of potential life on other planets. “How could they not?”

The wizened professor raised his eyebrows, a thousand percent done with the class at fifteen minutes in. “You look familiar.”

The girl’s voice got high. “Oh no, not me, I’m just a curious student…”

“Weren’t you on TV…?” He adjusted his glasses, staring her down now.

“Ah! Gotta go, sorry prof! Catch you next time!” A rustle from the front, an orange-haired girl tripping up the elongated steps of the classroom. “I’ll get the notes online!” The girl too wore sunglasses. Hair tousled into a bun. A scarf, covering her lower face. But Maki would have recognized that face, that bluster anywhere.

The face was unmistakably, without a doubt, Honoka Kousaka.

 

“I thought you were in the United States.” was all Maki could manage between gasps. Hands on her knees, water bottle banging against her leg, out of breath from running up two flights to the roof. A caught heart, beating with an unpracticed body’s blood. Honoka jumped up, nearly tackling Maki in her energetic hold. “Woah, woah.”

“Maki! I missed you so much! We haven’t been the same without you! Our beautiful composer!” Honoka lifted Maki up in her arms, as if she were a child. “Maki Maki Maki!! Why didn’t you tell me you went here? What are you doing out here anyways?”

Maki gave the best hug she could with her arms pinned by Honoka’s bear-hug. “Is everything okay? What are you doing here?”

“Eh heh.” Honoka smiled, a sheepish awkward smile that suggested more than her words did at times. The two girls sat on the roof’s benches now, overlooking the college campus. Sunlight fell from dispersing clouds and hair glistened with golden highlights. Honoka’s demeanor was every bit as fresh and shiny as she was when she was 16. They sat close together. There was something comforting in her presence. Still smelled of oranges and lemons, after all this time. It was the first time Maki had skipped class in her life and it hadn’t even occurred to her. “The United States was pretty wild.”

“What do you mean?” Maki took Honoka’s hand unconsciously. “Did something happen?”

“Umi got this incredible job over there. She’s a hunter now, right? Can you believe that? It pays super well too, at least, if you’re a cute ex-idol. And Kotori works on this llama farm. They wanted to stay after the tour, so... I think they might try to become American citizens.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

Honoka laughed. “They’ve started to talk about a legendary hunter, out in the East. With a beautiful voice that will kill the wildest beasts right from under your nose. I think she modelled for a gun magazine with her fancy bow. Hunted animals they didn’t even know existed.”

“Umi…” Maki did not know how she felt about her songwriter becoming a big game hunter. “Will they be okay?”

“I think so! They’re doing what they love!” Honoka gave her a big smile. Maki almost suspected it was forced. “So I decided to come back to Japan and figure things out. My mom went here, so here I am I guess. I think . Eheh.” She looked sheepish. “I’m so glad you’re here, Maki.

Maki wouldn’t say it, but she was elated Honoka was here too. “I… I’m glad you came back from the States.” She’d missed her friends, all of them. But Honoka especially, who Maki hadn’t seen since the second-years had left for the states.

“You’ll tutor me, right Maki?” She stuck out her tongue.

Never to appear overeager, Maki crossed her arms, as if Honoka was impeding on some grand schedule. “I suppose I can try to fit you in.”

“You better!” Honoka winked at her. “We’ll have a lot of fun, okay?”

 

* * *

 

It was at that moment, Maki would later decide, when the universe had begun its shift.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> constructive criticism/feedback is always appreciated!


	2. Someday of My Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the girls adjust to school life, slight angst? the beginning of a very slow burn and possibly a depression diagnosis, v brief nico appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am considering writing from honoka's perspective so i can stop talking about how beautiful and wonder honoka is
> 
> edited as of 6/23/17 for dialogue changes/plot hole fixes

Honoka shone in a crowd. There was a glow about her, something that drew the attention of everyone in the room to listen to her. Charisma, Maki thought. It was gentler than the stern poise of Eli, somehow more comfortable than Kotori’s charm. Honoka was a leader. Even in the world of the tiny rural academia, far from the land of idols and pop culture, Honoka could charm anyone she talked to. They got lunch together every day after classes, and often girls of all ages surrounded her, swapping stories and passing notes and homework in a great buzz of networking. 

Maki didn’t care for the ardent voices that followed Honoka everywhere; the younger girls that looked up to her, the older girls that regarded her as some kind of ingénue. She was touched but annoyed, she should say, it was hard to get a word in when half the freshman class seemed to share their lunch table. Soft perfumes, candies, and laughter. Maki rolled her eyes but tried to keep up with the conversations. What Maki hated most was the envy on the more serious girls’ faces, or those that disregarded Honoka as stupid for her energy and kindness. Maki would move towards her side protectively, when her snide lab partner said something dismissive or in their shared class discussions or in the café the biology class would often frequent. Whether it was effective or not, Maki could not tell. She’d been told she had a scary resting face more than once. Time to use it. 

“Why are you in biology, anyways?” Maki asked after particular rough quiz. (Honoka was having trouble remembering the terms of the plant organs.) “You’re music ed. You don’t have to do any of this.” The girls were walking to the train station, Honoka’s stop just before Maki’s. A thin slice of moon rose above whispering boughs that lined the cobbled street. The stars were brighter here, brighter than Maki had ever seen. They twinkled a distant blue-white from light years away. 

“Eh hehe well, um, I signed up so late there weren’t any other science classes left,” Honoka put her arms behind her head, posture loose and lazy as they drifted along the road. Maki could not help but envy her open body language. She longed to move with each whim, every step careless and easy. Fingers were twirled in her hair, face heated, averting her eyes away from Honoka. “Everything happened so fast. I was just glad to get in.” 

“I’m surprised you didn’t just keep trying to be an idol.” They met eyes for a brief second, the stars reflecting in Honoka's cornflower eyes. Maki blinked, the bright color startling her. 

“Well…” Honoka looked down at the ground. “I guess, I want something I can count on. u’s was my whole world and I loved it so much, but our little band wasn’t the same. Kotori and Umi were my best friends, Maki. And they... they moved on to other things. But I’ve got to pursue my own goals. And that's here, and if that means taking a hard biology class before I take on the rest of the world, then that's what I'm going to do. 

“I…” Maki knew Honoka was the most determined person in the world. She always had been, even at sixteen. What do you say to a force of nature, the heat of the sun that fed the plants and kept the planet warm? She was a flower and Honoka was a ball of gas that the planets revolved around. “You'll always get to where you're going, Honoka. If it's you. You got me to Love Live, didn't you?” Something felt strange and hot and self-conscious inside her, standing beside her senior. Was it envy, that Honoka was blazing her own path? It did not feel bitter enough for that. "Really, you're amazing." 

“You’re gonna make me blush!” Honoka waved her hands in front of her face, flustered. The moon’s curve followed her head, as if it were a halo. “You’re pretty great yourself, you know!” 

Maki just smiled. “We’re going to go over my science notes tomorrow. Be prepared.” 

 

Nico would call, sometimes, in the later hours of the weekends. Slurred words, grumbling of workloads, rumors of a strange sniper in American, nostalgia for the days at Otonozaki. Her first phonecall had been a godsend, her fifth drunken phone call of “fuck communications I wish my life was over I should have been a professional idol, what’s a beautiful girl like me doing in this backwater town” was starting to worry Maki. Would this be her fate, too, three years into pre-med? Maki told Nico to stop drinking after the second incident; to get her notes and quit complaining. Nico had told her to go fuck herself. 

Weekends were still quiet. Maki had no desire to see the arcade, to visit the little village shops filled with candies and trinkets. Honoka had invited her out the first couple of times, but had stopped by mid-June, accepting the inevitable declined offer. Being social at school was bad enough. She had no desire to spend even more time with the strange girls, who always seemed to be whispering about so-and-so and so-and-so’s hook-up last week. It drained her. Bed was far more seductive than any freshman’s useless pawings. Her days disappeared at times, an alarm set for eleven suddenly became waking up at four PM. How did it happen? She didn’t want to admit it to Honoka, but her refined, google-doc’d schedule had become far more makeshift as she found her hours eaten by the soft downy mattress. Labs that were scheduled to be written for two had suddenly become written in haste, even days or sometimes hours before they were due. Her pace felt sluggish. Med school felt like an eternity away from her busy work; years awaiting her began to pile above her head. Could she even cut it as a doctor? Her phone went off: she ignored it. Maki tossed the lab report into the trash bin, turned out the light, and crawled into the covers with the sun still setting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dunno who the bitchy lab partner is actually supposed to be, main candidates are chieri from akb0048 lol or red/purple head girl from A-RISE
> 
> considering trying to throw tsubasa in here too but i have literally no idea how to justify her existence in some random rural college


	3. Afterschool Honkagators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT BEGINS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter was brought to you by, "i don't want to write this paper" and "i don't want to response to my classmate's posts"

A rainy June Sunday brought a study session, Maki insisting on five PM.

“Isn’t that a little late for you, Maki?” Honoka asked, her questioning expression somehow reaching over the phone’s receiver into Maki’s head.

“Got a lot of papers to write. We’ll get plenty done, don’t worry. You’ll be up for your piano class.” Honoka had taken surprisingly well to the piano in her first months of learning. Maki had only given sparing advice, not wanting to overwhelm the girl, but Honoka had taken each piece of advice as grave instruction and practiced it continuously. 

The study session started normally enough; snacks and flashcards. Honoka’s apartment was bright, full of idol posters and maps and fluffy pillows. She even had the string of lights above her bed. Of course. Maki smiled and shook her head. They sat close together, Maki hiding the flashcard in her palm as Honoka screwed her eyes shut, trying for the life of her to remember the parts of a fern.

“…s…spores?” 

“You got it, Honoka!” 

Honaka grinned at her. Even as she’d gotten taller, her face slightly more mature, her smile hadn’t changed in the slightest. Maki looked away, feeling odd to dwell on Honoka’s unadorned lips. (Maki had put on a coat of lip gloss before coming over.) 

“What’s next?” 

“Well, the study guide says we should go over chapter three and four for tomorrow…” 

“Right! We’ll tackle those worms and jellyfish!” 

“Hopefully not literally.”

The book felt like a massive weight on her lap. Tiny text on thin paper should be a sin, Maki thought. Honoka read with her finger under the characters, mouthing the inscription under her breath. The pressure shifted along with her hand that was trailing slowly along the page and Maki couldn’t help but notice each passing motion. Honoka’s recitations were shockingly close to her ears and Maki blushed, remembering their high school days- how the older girl got her to listen to START: DASH!! all those years ago. Maki crossed her arms. It was so stupid and she could feel the blood rushing up and- 

“Have you heard from anyone lately?” Honoka interrupted her thoughts with a hand on her arm. 

“Nico mostly.” Maki pretended she didn’t see her friend smiling. “Rin and Hanayo check in here and there.” 

“Oh, I was wondering if you’d heard from the other third years. Ah, guess we shouldn’t call them that anymore, huh?” Honoka smiled at her with that dopey wonderful grin. “I haven’t heard from Eli in awhile.” 

“Huh. Wondering what she’s doing.” Nozomi had sent her an email a few weeks back, Maki hadn’t had the energy to respond or even to open it. 

Honoka looked a little uncomfortable. Uncharacteristically, her bright hair was falling in her eyes, glance firmly fixated upon the floor. “I’m sure she’s happy, wherever she is.” She grabbed a chip out of the anime-girl covered bag. Her chewing seemed forlorn as she stared out in overcast night sky. The leaves rustled, a cool air seemed to rise from the depths of the earth and into the tiny college student apartment.

“If anyone can take care of herself, it’s Eli.”

Honoka gave her an unconvincing smile. “Yeah.” 

The younger girl sat back on the bed, the strangest feeling passing through her. Was this what their charmed group as to become, a collection of strangers that had all joined hearts in singing once upon a time? Had her music truly joined them together? She closed her eyes. The pound of rain had begun to dance over the windowpane. What could she do now, anyways? Maybe she’d text Nico in the morning. Maybe she’d work up the energy to check her emails, to respond guiltily to Nozomi. 

To Maki’s surprise, the older girl flopped down next to her. Her orange hair contrasted with the bright teal pillow she rested upon. “You think everything will be okay, Maki?” 

“You saved the school, Honoka. You can do anything,” Maki didn’t know if she believed herself. She gave Honoka a slight pat on the head. “Maybe we’ll invite everyone over some time. Except for our Americans.” 

Honoka snorted. “From sea to shining sea.” 

Maki wondered if her fingers could soothe Honoka’s troubles. Her palm wandered over the crown of the other girl’s head, fingers running through the thick, slight waves. Honoka’s hair had gotten longer in the three years, a little darker but still vibrant. It made her look older, more mature. “It’ll be fine, Honoka. Despair doesn’t suit you.” She followed the orange strands down her neck, her back, gently stroking. 

“That… that feels nice, Maki... you’re gonna put me to sleep.” 

“Good, you worked hard today.” 

“Scratch behind the ear, okay?” 

“Whatever you say.” 

A snoring told Maki Honoka had fallen asleep. She smiled. Her work had been done. The rain was making Maki feel sleepy herself, her eyes getting heavier. The book in her lap was ball and chain, the flashcards looking menacingly at her. She put the book down, put the notes back in her bag, flipped the light off, pulled one of Honoka’s blankets over her. She’d just put her head down for a minute, surely Honoka wouldn’t mind…. 

Maki had just reached the threshold of sleep when she heard Honoka’s voice mumble in the darkness. 

“Don’t… don’t shoot, Umi….”


	4. The Honk of Swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi guess what i got a new job and a new apartment anyways here is the next chapter

Chapter 4: The Honk of Swords

an interlude

 

The sink was full: overflowing tea cups, red-stained plates, bowls full of suds rather than the delicately crafted miso soup Nozomi had mastered during the long winter months in Sapporo, forks incrusted with take-out. Remnants of a wild night in. A single glass… toy… floated above the Russian serving dish Eli’s grandmother had gotten for them. Nozomi, for all her worries, couldn’t help but grin. Sin always rose to the top. 

It was morning, or something like it between the lazy hours of ten and one. Rain. The flowers on the railing would like that. Rider pressed into her legs, an urgent, almost human meowl. Her bowl was empty and she hadn’t been paid attention to in at least three hours.

Eli was already gone. In the beginning she had left notes, scribbled hearts on the dry erase board. Now Nozomi was lucky for a blurred goodbye kiss in the early moments of the morning. A sigh. She started to scrub away at the teacup-turned-shot-glass. 

Nozomi and Eli lived in a nice neighborhood in a nice apartment. Nozomi thought it was what she always wanted. They’d gone antique shopping together, for spirit’s sake. (Tiffany lamps, hand-carved bookshelves, a teacup set.) They ate together. They slept together. What more could Nozomi want? She told fortunes for a living now, in the comfort of an office across the street. The shrine was doing well. Sometimes when she felt lonely, she’d sing at open mic nights at bars and the crowds would cheer for her. Like old times. 

What Nozomi wanted, she supposed as she wiped the washcloth over the many ridges of Happy Maker, was to understand what her girlfriend actually did for a living. 

Eli had started in “the family business” when they had graduated. They’d both gone to the same college but Eli had dropped out after a few semesters, the workload between work and school was too great. Night after night she’d come back into the dorms with thicker accents and misplaced words. A few words in Russian, a few words in English. Vodka on her breath. Nozomi didn’t think much of it at the time; college is college, right? But it continued from their first apartment in Akibara to the refined building in Sapporo. When asked where she went or what she did, Eli shrugged off the questions as “paperwork” or “boring business things.” There were conferences all over Europe and odd phone calls in English at strange hours, but any talk of business beyond the vaguest way seemed to evaporate immediately. 

Eli had plenty of money and always seemed tired at the end of the day, so Nozomi assumed she actually was making money in some regard. But it was hard not to worry. An affair? A sugar momma? But her cards never showed her any of those melodramatic sword cards that indicated heartbreak. No three of swords, no nine or ten of swords. No devil, no tower. Eli’s card was usually the page of swords. Watch and wait, the cards said. Listen. Support. Don’t do anything rash. But how to wait when Eli came back smelling of strange perfume and whispering English in her sleep? 

The dishes were done. Nozomi had been washing the last glass for five minutes. Worry worry worry. She’d get a shower. Feed Rider. Lunch. Prepare for the newest batch of clients. Check her email. Wonder about the state of the world and her relationship. Make dinner. Hope her beloved came back sober and speaking Japanese. 

An 8-bit Snow Halation hummed from the bedroom. Her cell phone. Nozomi picked up it without wondering why they hadn’t left a message at the office. 

“Fortune’s Favors, this is Nozomi speaking.” 

Nozomi did not expect the voice at the other end. It was high-pitched, and a pinched, wavering feeling made her wonder if the girl had been crying. “Nozomi? I need your help. I need to know if you know. You have to know. You have to help, please.” 

It was Kotori.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tarot cards are criminally underused in anime ya'll can't just use death or the tower all the time


	5. As Time Goes Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~mysterious~ gay angsty purple prose
> 
> i swear the plot is doing things honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kind words of encouragement! It means a lot to me and you guys have been great <333 this is my first real fanfiction (unless you count a terrible ethan frome story I had to write for class once) 
> 
> also there's several lame references in this see if you can catch them all

The light had turned golden when Maki reached the campus. In a few hours, the sun would set and the stars would come out in their calm glow. There was a nostalgic softness in late summer afternoons, and it seemed a pity to spend it indoors. If only she could take a piano outside. 

Someone was already playing the piano. The notes seemed in tune with the way the leaves rustled, their shadows that moved in the wind’s lifting presence. A warm wind, a mistral. Indistinct singing accompanied it. Maki through the courtyard with its stone garden and fountains and into the arcade of the building. The singing was in English. She only knew a few words here and there- kiss, time, heart- she’d really have to brush up on her English next semester. Was it Honoka? The voice was distorted through the walls. As she approached the other students’ musical pursuits drowned out the song. A curly haired boy with a violin, a blonde at the piano, arguing in low whispers over their arrangement; students on horns and guitars, a few girls singing in a classroom; a redheaded girl with a darker shade than her own bolting for the building’s exit. Maki raised her eyebrows. It seemed rather busy for a lazy Tuesday evening. 

The classroom was silent when Maki found Honoka, aside from the rustling of papers. Honoka was poised. Intense. Back straight, hair tied into a loose ponytail, eyebrows furrowed. Her features were doing that thing when she was determined about something, giving the sheet music a fiery gaze. 

“What are you working on? I heard someone playing earlier, was that you?” 

Honoka turned around faster than Maki had ever seen, eyes wide, gasping.

“Maki! You scared me!” 

“You were really studying hard there.” 

“Y-yeah…” Honoka collected the sheet music, stuffing it into her orange binder. “Sometimes I get really caught up in what I’m doing, you know?” 

“I know,” Maki smiled. Honoka was taking this seriously. “Move over, we’ve got some songs to practice.” The older girl made room on the bench, but their legs were still touching. Maki pretended she did not notice this. It was too hot for sexual tension, she told herself. When their hands bumped over the keys, Maki thought of plant classifications and the parts of the cell. Anything but the chemistry she did not understand. 

  
  
  


McDonald’s came after practice. For once Maki did not complain but followed Honoka with an odd excitement. Honoka would almost always want to hang out aside from when she was busy with studying or practicing, but Maki still felt odd with just the two of them sometimes. She always dressed nice, but lately she had worn especially nice things whenever they went out together. Today was a striped red dress and a pink cardigan with pearls. I’m just making myself look nice. I’ve been in a funk. This doesn’t mean anything. Honoka would never notice anyways. 

The last rosy fingers of sunset had dimmed when they sat down and Maki ignored the pang of coldness that accompanied her in those moments. There was just this certain slant of light that hurt and she did not understand it. It was just a damned ball of gas in the sky. What did it have to do with her mood? It had been a nice day before. She took a sip of her Vitamin Water. At times she wished she drank, if only to brood over something. 

“Hey Maki,” Honoka stuffed a chicken nugget into her mouth. “You look nice today.” Another nugget. Ranch on this one. As if Honoka didn’t just show proof that she paid attention to her. 

“Um, well, thank you…” A long gulp of Vitamin Water this time. A few bites of the grilled wrap. Glance at the phone, don’t want to look desperate. “Just threw some stuff on, you know?” Maki had spent an hour on planning and make-up. 

Honoka looked impressed. “I wish I looked as pretty as you do that easily. Then I couldn’t sleep as late, though. You’re really pretty, Maki.” 

“I know.” Finished the wrap. Looking away. 

Honoka chomped a chicken nugget with barbeque and started on her burger. How did she eat so much? “And so confident! No wonder you were such a good idol.” 

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Honoka.” 

  
  
  


Maki stared at the stars on the train, watching the moon’s hazy reflection on the glass. She knew most people thought of her as pretty. She was pretty: it was a fact. It didn’t count. Appealing features and nice clothes equals attractive. None of it was hers. Rather a lucky roll on the genetic lottery and a rich set of parents. Anyone would be confident with such a fortunate upbringing. 

Why do you do this, Maki? Honoka thinks you’re pretty. Enjoy it, a quiet voice said. Because I don’t deserve it, was the overwhelming majority of her brain. Because Honoka worked to be where she is. I existed and was granted talent. The moon disappeared between the buildings and trees, and when she arrived home the night was dark and overcast. 

Maki tried not to think of Honoka when she went to bed. Her casual touches that meant nothing. Their laced fingers were fingers of friendship. Did Honoka even like girls? Did Honoka even like anyone? At times she wondered if Honoka had a thing for Kotori or Tsubasa, but she doubted it. Nico had insisted everyone in u’s was a lesbian. “You know Rin is in love with Hanayo, right? They’re both too dopey to ever ask each other out, but you know, right?” Maki had rolled her eyes but it seemed plausible. Maybe she’d text Nico about it. Nico knew these things. 

It was only as she drifted to sleep that she remembered the two-second fear in Honoka’s eyes on the piano bench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes maki's outfit is based on secret exam maki i solo yolo'd her a week ago or some 
> 
> ALSO I GOT ROCK AND ROLL MAKI FINALLY MY LIFE IS COMPLETE


	6. A Honk Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico gets a phone call at the bar 
> 
> things are about to get SALTY
> 
> references to alcohol, sex, and horrible terrible ex-texting

CHAPTER SIX: A Honk Mess

  
  
**NICO**   
  


Nico Yazawa was fucking blitzed when she got a call. Fucking. Blitzed. The world was a blurry mess around her. Lights and girls and lights and mirrors and bottles. Was the music always this loud? The girl across the bar was doing the thing. The awkward lesbian eye contact thing, she could tell by the piercing and the stylish cut. Blonde wavy hair. Cute sundress. Downing a long island faster than Nico. . _..you’re a hot mess, and I’m falling for you…_ Nico smiled at the girl, her best “I’m shitfaced and you’re shitfaced and we’re not above making out in the bathroom, are we?” smile. The girl smiled back, winking. Yeahhhh Nico, you got this. Don’t think about the internship in the morning. 

It was when the girl walked over with a swing in her hips when Nico’s pocket started to vibrate. Goddammit. She almost ignored until she remembered the weird urgent texts she’d been getting. Maki’s forlorn whining. Kotori’s hushed hints of dinner parties gone awry, whatever the fuck that meant. Rin’s increasingly weird memes. 

She picked up the phone. “Nico Nico fuck you! Who is this. I am in a very busy meeting. Import. Idol. Things. State your business.” 

A murmur, a slight chuckle. Months since she’d heard Nozomi’s stupid laugh but she still remembered it. “Is my little devil turning into a lush?” Nico rolled her eyes. The blonde raised her eyebrows and Nico pointed at the phone. 

“Go to hell Nozomi, I am looking at a partner. Business. Partner. You know? What. Do you. Wanttt?” The blonde was swaying her hips with the music. Hot-hot-hot-mess. How did she make a sundress look so damn dirty? Nico stood up, staring into the girl’s amber eyes. Shiitttt. The girl was some kinda… something… 

“Things are in motion, Niccochi.” 

Things are in motion, things are in motion, how many times had she heard that from one of her former teammates? Things are in motion and we’re buying a house together in the States, Niccochi! Things are in motion and why don’t you start carrying, Niccochi! Things are in motion and maybe you should start picking up Russian, Niccochi! Everyone could go to hell and leave her alone to drink with beautiful blonde ladies as far as she was concerned. “I will motion a fist up your ass if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on with all these damn shady emails and hidden meanings and stupid bullshit.” 

“Niccochi, you only Elicchi does that.” 

“I am going to hang up this phone and return to my meeting”- she grinded up on the other girl- “And block you”- her legs were finding the old rhythms in the beat- “and you will be all on your own in bullshit shady mcShaderson island if you don’t start spilling.” 

Nico could hear the sigh on the other end of the phone. “Okay. There’s… been an issue in the States.” Two gay Japanese girls in the States. What could go wrong? 

“Did Kotori steal the llama farmers’ jobs again?” 

“No, no, you can’t steal a job Nicocchi,” Nozomi sounded almost sad. “Umi’s been injured. It’s serious.” 

Nico stopped grinding on the blonde’s shapely… behind. “What?”

_…and I’m like, hot damn let me make you…_

“Kotori didn’t tell me much else. It sounded like she was in a hospital.” 

“Fuck.” Everything was spinning. She sat down. “Did her ultimate hunter crap backfire or what? Maybe some whacko hit her when they were hunting. Didn’t some president shoot someone while hunting? Shit.” 

“Dick Cheney did not shoot Umi, Nico.” 

“Still though. I wouldn’t go there again.” Nico ordered two long islands for her and the blonde, who sat down next to her at the bar. Her thighs were plush and full against the bar stool and Nico was too drunk to look away. “Is Umi gonna be okay?” 

“I don’t know. But… I think something weird is happening.” 

“No shit.” The girl licked the lip of the glass, her eyes boring into Nico. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Her tongue was like a cat’s, small and dainty. 

“Keep your ears open, okay? Eli has been weird too.” 

“Yeah yeah and we’re functional adults. Bye byeee Nozotiddies.” 

“I love you too, Nicocchi.” 

Her long island was barely touched. This needed to be amended right now. The sweet, sweet alcohol was barely tasted- she was that far gone. “Wanna do shots?” Were the first real words to her companion.

“Yes!” Was the enthusiastic English reply. 

“Bartender, give me some rainbow shots.”

  
  
  
Water. Ibuprofen. More water. It was six AM and Nico wanted to die. The harsh glare of her cell phone cut through the muggy dawn; three missed calls from Maki, one new voicemail, and several rambling emotional texts. Jesus. As if she wasn’t trying to stop thinking about Maki in the first place. She stepped into the shower, ignoring the pleasant aching in some places and the not-so-pleasant aching everywhere else. Ignore the texts, Nico. Take the shower. The watermelon scent did little to distract her and with soap in her eyes she lunged out of the shower and grabbed the phone. Water dripped all over the pink bargain-bin mat as her eyes flickered down the screen. 

_Nico, did you really like me? I wasn’t a very good girlfriend. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sent this. I just don’t know who else to talk to. I don’t want to bother Honoka with this. She’s got enough on her plate and she doesn’t need my self-indulgent bullshit._ And I do? Nico thought. _I really liked you, Nico. I just don’t think it would have worked out. I’m sorry. I was_ \- Oh GOD what did she do to deserve this- _dumb and young and I care about you and I hope you’re happy with your courses. I hope you’re happy. I’m so sorry Nico. College is so hard for me and Honoka. Mostly me. All I do is sleep. I must look like a zombie next to Honoka…_ Nico frowned at the phone. Since when were Maki and Honoka so close? Maybe it was inevitable, with them being so close. It was odd. Honoka taking classes with Maki. Either way, she didn’t want to hear about it. She wiped her eyes on a dry towel, but they still stung. 

It’d been a year. Her friends from the internship teased her at times, when she mentioned not especially wanting to see anyone. (Nico told them to go to hell.) 

_Do you think Honoka likes anyone? I wonder if she’s aro sometimes. Some of the girls were asking me. Us being idols and all. Wanted to know if they had a chance. Isn’t that silly? I guess I should just be happy they’re not bothering me._ Oh, for fuck’s sake. _You always knew these things, what do you think?_

Nico thought she was going to kick Maki’s ass the next time she saw her.

Was Honoka gay? Nico had no fucking idea. The girl was an enigma. She'd never talked about boys. Girls, yes, but that could be attributed to her burning love of girl idol groups. Did Maki even notice the shady-ass behavior of the older girls? Nico was far more interested in what the hell was going on with Kotori and Umi. Who the hell has a llama farm, anyways? 

_idk ask Honoka she's probably into bread and idols also go to hell you pillow princess_ Nico texted. She was so annoyed she deleted the text history for Maki. Was Honoka gay, really Maki? Gingers couldn't be together. It was a rule. She knew no one took her salty quips seriously so she didn't think twice about texting Maki it, but sometimes she wished they did. 

Maybe she'd text the blonde back after all. Mary something? Only the number and the scribbled name gave any indication of an alias. Yes. Yes, Nico would text the girl back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nico is a lot of fun to write! i'm not sure how actually in character she is BUT HERE IT IS LOOK THE PLOT DID A THING. also apparently nico and mari met at a random college gay bar i guess?? i've only seen two episodes of sunshine bc all i do is write and work and sleep sob 
> 
> btw I have no idea how to fit in Rin and Hanayo tbh. rin makes rare pepes in her spare time. she is the meme master. hanayo grows underground rice. it's evil rare rice. hanayo is feuding with mari for control of the underground harvest of japan. someone please help me.


	7. Honking Stars on Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is this actually cute? I can't tell. more purple prose more lesbians. this is almost as long as a NaNo day >:D 
> 
> weight/food mentions fyi

**MAKI**  
  


Silence had descended upon the library. The summer break had left few students remaining, and those who stayed were the quiet, studious types. That is, unless you were Honoka Kousaka and you were singing softly along to START! DASH on your headphones. Or Maki, humming along with her. Honoka smiled, taking her hand. She exaggerated her other hand gestures, closing her eyes and twisted in her seat. Maki still sang START! DASH in the shower in the mornings, moving her body to the choreography in the limited space of the stall. She was surprised to see her fist pumped up next to Honoka’s, their voices in low harmony together. Honoka was beaming like a sun at her. 

“You’re a bad influence, you know that?” Maki was smiling too and couldn’t hide it. “Making a nice girl like me break the rules of the library?” 

“I just like seeing you move; I can’t help it.” 

“I, uh…” 

The girl at the next table over was glaring at Maki and Honoka and neither of them were concerned in the slightest. Honoka winked at her and the girl rolled her eyes. On closer inspection it was her lab partner. They’d said maybe… two paragraphs to each other, tops. Blonde. Grey eyes. Ugh. Maki gave the slightest nod to her and the stranger, Ro-something, nodded back. 

“I’m going to get a muffin from the café.” 

“Get me a cranberry muffin! And carrot cake. And some tea.”  
  
  
With hands full Maki came back to the table. Heavy books lay in Honoka’s lap that Maki did not recognize and her notebook was full of complicated equations; the numbers and symbols looking all wrong in Honoka’s rounded handwriting. What was she working on? Biology homework was all cells and viruses right now. Her pocket buzzed. She ignored it. Maki’s approach was slow this time, not wanting to startle Honoka again. As she came into Honoka’s vision, Honoka waved and put away the notebook, taking out her biology textbook. 

“Did you get my carrot cake? And a muffin?” 

“Yes, yes,” Maki handed over the baked goods. “How on earth do you manage you figure?” 

“Oh, I still go on runs every morning. Everyone teased me so much when I gained ten pounds that one time, gotta stay in shape!” Honoka looked down at her muffin. “I feel weird bringing it up! How is your chemistry class going?” 

“Honoka…” Maki didn’t remember how she handled it. She did not have a lot of faith in her fifteen-year old self. “I’m sorry. We were all little brats back then. I’ve probably gained at least ten pounds in college, you know.” 

“Suffer with me!” Honoka pushed the carrot cake at her. 

“Oh fine,” The biology book’s charts brought Honoka over to her side of the table. Bare arms against each other. Honoka’s arms were surprisingly firm, as if she’d been doing labor. Maki gripped her bicep. It was definitely muscle, cool to the touch. She tried not to imagine Honoka’s strained face, sweat running down her neck and into her- “Have you been working out, too?”  
“A little!” Honoka grinned at her. “Rin sends me her videos sometimes and she has cool exercises to do.”

“Oh, cool, tell her I said hi!”  
  
  
The walk to the train station was slow and rambling that evening. Maki wanted to get some more toothpaste from the convenience store, Honoka stopped to point out the fire flies dancing in the gardens of the sleepy neighborhood. They alit as they rose up, illuminating the white petals of the flowers. "I miss Akihabara and the States sometimes, but… I think these moments make up for it.” Honoka looked straight ahead into the gathering dusk. “Want to go to the shrine? I’ve only been there once at the start of the semester.”

“Why not?” 

They walked with comments here and there. The edges of the leaves that were tinged with yellow, the raccoons that scurried up the steps ahead of them, the wind that was changing from a cloying humidity of July to the placid coolness of August. August, Honoka told Maki, was her favorite month. It made sense, Maki thought. Honoka was a Leo. (Maki was a Taurus-Aries cusp. Not that she’d look up their signs and compatibility or anything.) The stairs seemed to go on forever in the gloom of the camphor trees that curtained their path. Steps were cracked, not swept of excess leaves. 

The top of the stairs brought the old shrine into view. The small sanctuary for the kami was covered in dead plants. Honoka sighed before bounding ahead to wipe it off. She mumbled what Maki assumed was a prayer as she used her shirt as a rag. They’d practiced so much at the shrine back at home. Honoka must have some kind of connection to these things by now. 

Maki had never been religious. She didn’t know what to feel about this, expect a pang of sadness for the what appeared to be abandoned shrine. Beer cans were piled up on the torii- the wooden red gate of the shrine. With a sigh herself she gathered the cans into her plastic bag from the convenience store, (putting the toothpaste in her backpack.) An old broom rested against the sanctuary and Honoka made short work of the cluttered stairs. They worked in the twilight, until they could no longer see. The stars were out now, the Milky Way glistening over their heads. 

Honoka was panting when they sat down on the stairs under the torii. “I feel like Nozomi.” 

“I never realized how hard she worked.” Another guilty stab of not answering her emails from Nozomi. Between those and the emails from her parents, she simply wasn’t checking her emails at times. 

“We all worked hard.” Honoka’s eyes were on the stars. Maki never could get over how clear, how bright the stars were in the countryside. Virgo and Scorpio were never visible at home. Honoka never said anything, but Maki often noticed her looking to the sky as well. Did she feel just as awed as Maki, when she stared into space, watch the heavens curve around the planet? She took Honoka’s hand and Honoka met her with a gentle squeeze. They locked eyes. The blue fire was burning again. Honoka’s face was entirely too close, her other arm sliding around Maki’s neck, her expression intense.  
She opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again. 

“Maki…” Honoka looked down. “There’s… some things I should tell you.” 

Maki nodded, unable to form actual words. 

“I…” 

The younger girl looked at her expectantly, daring to hope, daring to dream- 

“I… Actually, I…” Honoka was flustered, losing the passionate expression now. “Some things happened and I….” 

This did not sound like a love confession. Maki’s heart sank. “If it’s too much, you can tell me when you’re ready.” 

“…O…okay. Thanks for being so understanding, Maki. There’s a meteor tonight, you know.”

“Oh?” Maki hadn’t heard anything from her star-gazing blogs. 

“In about a few minutes,” Honoka pointed at Libra. “Right over there.” 

They waited. What was Honoka trying to tell her? Was she okay? Did she like someone else? Did her parents decided she was getting married? Was Maki annoying her? 

Maki realized she was holding her breath when a deep diagonal strike hit the sky. A white burning flame streaked across the stars. A cosmic gash. It ran from the high-hung moon down to the deep forest by the school, wide and explosive. Something shook the ground and a flare of light burst, illuminating far-away objects. They both let out a sigh when it crashed. 

It was close. Far too close.

“Honoka…” 

Honoka did not respond for a few minutes. She stared on ahead, at the crash site. When she spoke, it was not the question Maki was expecting.

“Did I do the right thing?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Disbanding u’s. Going to the states. Being selfish. Or maybe not selfish enough. I don’t know.” 

“I… I don’t think any of us can ever know that, Honoka. It was a lovely dream. Sometimes I wish I had never woken up, but at the end of the day, that is what it was. I would have had to stop eventually. I don’t know about the others- Rin was always going to do well in sports, Kotori was inevitably going to be a fashion designer, if a now a llama wool one. Maybe we could have gone major, but who knows how we’d look back on it now?” 

The older girl’s fist was clenched, to Maki’s surprise. “I know… I just…” 

Maki put her arm around her. “You don’t have anything to blame yourself for, okay? Things happened the way they happen. There’s no changing it.”

Another unconvincing smile from Honoka. “Thanks, Maki.” 

“Did you want to stay an idol, after all?” 

“Sometimes, yeah. I wish everyone stayed close and happy and we could all sing together,” Her eyes were getting shiny. “It’s silly. You must think I’m still the same old Honoka from back then, huh?”  
“You,” Maki kissed the top of her head, “Are saying what we all think. Some of us just aren’t ready to admit it,” They looked at each other in the darkness. Maki wiped away the tears off Honoka’s face. “I really do admire you, Honoka.” 

Honoka started crying in earnest now. “Maki…” 

They stayed like that, in each other’s arms, as the sirens sang down the streets towards to meteor, evaluating the damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REALLY HATED THAT EPISODE WHERE EVERYONE CALLS HONOKA FAT CAN YOU TELL


	8. HONK EXIT ORION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I WILL DEAL WITH FORMATTING IN THE MORNING I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP UNTIL I POSTED IT OKAY

**MAKI**   
  


Maki was floating. 

Green curtains filtered the sunlight into the room, casting a forested glow. Maki laid in bed, holding a pillow in her arms, trying not to make pretend- she wondered if it was okay, that it was Honoka’s problems that opened up her normally cheery exterior. It was Friday, which meant she’d be seeing Honoka in biology today. Time to get up. She couldn’t stop thinking of Honoka’s final embrace, as she got dressed. (Black shorts, black shirt, a smudge of grey eyeliner.) The hands that clung to her hips, staring into her eyes. As if Maki would disappear if she let go. Honoka’s lips moving soundlessly.  
Maki didn’t know what to do, what to say. All she could do was hold Honoka, squeeze her hand and tell her it was going to be alright. 

The radio was blaring from her roommate’s bedroom. “…reports indicate the meteor that hit the town of Harusame last night was not expected to arrive to earth until at least 2020… scientists are attributing it to an unknown cosmic event until more details can be known…” Maki yawned, making her way into the bathroom to freshen up. She’d have to look at some of her old star books. “…but it’s time for the weather, we’ll be having rain late into the evening…” 

“Nishikino, did you see the meteor last night?” her roommate called. A blue-haired girl. Sono. Spent a ridiculous amount of time alone in her room as well. “Everyone’s talking about it.” 

Maki felt a warmth rise in her face. “Yes. My friend pointed it out.” 

Sono brushed her hair back into a ponytail. “I think the school is going to take a look at it today. You better hurry or you’ll miss it.” 

“Thanks.” 

****

Honoka was headed out of the science building into the sunlight when Maki found her. Maki blushed earnestly as Honoka came towards her waving. “Aren’t you going to the study session?” (After all, Maki had worn the extra short shorts today.) On closer inspection, Honoka looked beat, as if she hadn’t slept at all last night. Energy drink in hand. Bags under her eyes, messy hair under a baseball cap, an oversized tee shirt that read, “HONK” with a silhouette of a duck over orange leggings. (Where did Honoka shop?) “Are you okay?” 

Honoka was sheepish. “My meteorologist professor is going to go check out the crash site, so I’m going to skip today! You’ll take notes for me, won’t you Maki?” 

“I-I suppose. I didn’t even know you were in meteorology.” 

“Thank you so much Maki, I’ll make it up to you later!” Honoka kissed her cheek. “See you!” With a hurried gait the older girl sped off campus. Maki could hardly think as she walked to class, the slightest wetness lingering on her skin. It was the first time in months Maki sat alone. She was early, too early. On loner autopilot, she flicked through the messages that had been accumulating the past few days.  
  
Nico: GIRL DO YOU EVEN CHECK YOUR PHONE  
Nico: YO I THINK THIS IS SERIOUS CALL ME BACK 

-Nico has called seeing an exceptionally cute cat serious, Maki thought-

Nico: MAKI ARE U DEAD  
Nico: Kotori says Umi is stable 

-What?-

Hanayo: There’s a rice festival in Tokyo this September, do you and Honoka want to come? Rin and I would look to see you!  
Nico: I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT HERE  
Rin: HEY IT’S 4:20 EYYYYYY  
Nico: She’s going into surgery  
Kotori: Umi is in the hospital, we’re not sure what happened yet. I thought you should know. Don’t tell Honoka, please? I think it might really upset her. I hope you are doing okay! 

Maki’s stomach dropped. What happened to Umi? Was she okay? Did someone shoot her in the states? Why on earth would someone shoot Umi? And why couldn’t she tell Honoka?

Kotori: Do you have time to talk right now?  
Rin: check out this sweet meme I made  
Nozomi: We should talk about one of my tarot readings. My cards have been wild lately, Maki. You always were a trouble-maker. Text me back or fortune will run from you!  
Nico: HEY UMI IS IN THE HOSPITAL NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED  
  
Umi was only what, 19? 20? Was she sick? Maki texted Kotori and Nico back, sending her thoughts. They were all so young. Maki supposed it was inevitable, that bad things would happen to people. Years from now, she might be treating one of her friends at a hospital. That didn’t make it hurt any less, that one of her friends had something bad happen to them that she could do nothing about. In a strange country. 

Maki had trouble focusing on the lesson that day. Proteins and genes and the inner workings of biological chemistry were familiar to her, but they couldn’t hold her attention. Memories of Umi. They hadn’t spoken much since Umi graduated, partially because she was in the United States. Was she doing okay as a big name hunter now? Would she still be able to hunt? Images of Honoka, the words Honoka said to her last night; replayed over and over in loops. Maybe Kotori was right not to tell Honoka right now. Everything seemed so off, so wrong. She stared out the window, watching the clouds gather over the town. The foliage was dark and green, as if the leaves would burst from all the humidity in the air. 

***

It was almost midnight when Maki got the call. Honoka’s number. She’d done nothing but lay in bed for hours, listening to the rain. Tried some sake at her roommate’s insistence, put her right out on her back. Maki tried not to think about the online homework assignment she’d missed. The dance of proteins in her head, the way the molecules chained together to form the building blocks of life. 

“Excuse me, Nishikino?” A familiar voice that was not Honoka’s. It was low, gravelly. Her lab partner? 

“Roxanne?” 

“It’s Row- you know what, I don’t care. Yes. Your friend has fallen ill. Please fetch her. We’re in the woods outside of town. There should be signs to the site.” 

“I’ll be on the next train.” 

***

It was a fever, Maki thought. The flushed cheeks, the odd iridescent look in Honoka’s eyes. Honoka sat under a white-trunked keyaki tree, wide leafy branches that provided shelter from the rain. A few tents had been pitched around the massive depression. People in ponchos, surveying and chipping and holding up instruments. The meteor was a rock the size of a small house. A strange color, even in the dark. 

Maki knelt down next to her in the damp grass. “Hey, Honks, let’s get you home, okay?” Honoka barely stirred, but she opened her eyes a little. 

“M-make sure you get my backpack, all of my notes are in there…” 

“What on earth have you been doing?” 

A shaky smile. “I wanna be a cool scientist like you, M-Maki…” 

“Don’t kill yourself over it!” People were looking over. Maki didn’t realize she had raised her voice. “Roxanne’s” eyebrows were raised and Maki gave the girl her best bitch face. “There’s no excuse to go out traipsing in the rain without even a poncho. I know you can get carried away, but people care about you, alright? One person’s in the hospital and-” Fuck. She covered her mouth with her hand. “You need to take care of yourself, Honoka. You remember the last time this happened, don’t you?” 

“Who’s in the hospital?” Was the drowsy reply. Fuck fuck fuck. 

A spur of the moment lie would have to do. “Nico’s little sister.”

“Oh, that’s too bad…” Honoka closed her eyes. A palm to her forehead, she was burning up. They needed to go home before it got any worse. Umbrella in hand and Honoka in the other, they made their way to the bus stop. 

***

Thunder grumbled in the distance. Honoka went down in her bed like a brick thrown into a pond, after some ibuprofen and a very hasty change of clothes with Maki’s refusal to so much as look her way. Fumbles in the dark. Maki sat in her computer chair for a while, too overwhelmed to process anything. 

A tiny voice from the bed. “M-Maki…” 

Maki swiveled over. “Honoka? Are you alright? Do you need anything?”

“Maki, I…” Honoka started coughing. “I don’t know where to start.”

Cool fingers on a hot forehead. “Don’t worry, Honoka, it’s okay.” 

Another crack of thunder shook the house. “…I’m… I’m glad I went here. I’m glad I met you again. I used to get so flustered when you weren’t looking. You’re so beautiful, it was hard not to. The music. The push-ups. Those damn… damn push-ups. You were… so cool… Kotori used to tease me and…” Her voice cracked. She sounded so defeated. “Umi would get so scandalized… they’d still tease me about it sometimes before…” 

“Before what, Honoka?” 

The rain picked up, if it was possible, pounding on the windows. A metallic sound beat the rooftop. Incessant in the mindless rhythm of the sky. “Sometimes… things happen…” Something outside was howling, the branches scraped against the house, thunder striking a second after the flash- “can’t tell… you wouldn’t believe me anyways….” 

“I believed in Santa Claus.”

That got a weak laugh. “If anyone was going to figure it out… it’d be you.”

“I’m going to get you some more water, Honoka.” 

It was around two when the fever broke. Maki was surprised, but was grateful. Honoka became her usual sleepy self, and Maki had no qualms now at shoving the girl into one side of the bed. Crush or not, she wasn’t going to tolerate a bedhog. They could deal with the feelings in the morning.


	9. Anemone honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback chapter in the waiting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my laptop hinge is broken!! so... it works but it is far less mobile. i'm HOPEFULLY getting a new laptop in a few paychecks but I will be a bit slower until then. ALSO SORRY I HAD 2 GET CHIKA OKAY. 
> 
> alcohol/...intimacy? THIS CHAPTER IS RATED PG-13.

**KOTORI**   
  


English was a strange language, Kotori thought. At times it was a soft slurry of words; the trickling of a steam after a fresh rain. Sometimes it was a striking drum. The rhythmic ups and downs of the words that poured out of her mouth when she exchanged words with strangers. But today, today was all harsh words she could not translate, doctors speaking in code to her unfamiliar ears. Fracture? Dislocation? Suture? Those words meant nothing to her. She did not want to find out, hoped she could let those words remain meaningless- 

Umi’s phone had gone off continuously for hours now. Kotori hadn’t picked up. Numbers she didn’t recognize. Didn’t want to know who kept calling after the first abrupt hang-up. Didn’t want to know why the doctors rushed in and out, why they hushed their conversations when they noticed Kotori sitting in the waiting room. 

A tourist had found Umi in an alley a few days ago. The doctors called Kotori, who came rushing to one of the many too-busy hospitals of New York City. They’d had the llama farm in Pennsylvania. Kotori would have to call their only neighbor Jennifer- three miles away- to watch the llamas if Umi remained like this. Umi made frequent trips out of the city, Kotori had thought nothing of it when she left last week. She’d come back with trophies in hand, new furs for Kotori to work with, and always weary eyes. Weren’t they supposed to have a new beginning here, Kotori wondered. A fresh start at the American Dream? Away from whatever it was that happened? 

+

The tour in the States had been a dream, for the first few months. They played everywhere: from outdoor concerts to cons to neon-lit bars that made Umi blush at the scantily dressed women. Kotori had not been prepared for the overwhelming response from the American fans. People from the depths of the southern swamps to the farthest reaches of the frozen tundra (How did anyone live in this country, Kotori wondered); all had come to the large cities to see them play. Honoka had learned a little composing and guitar on the side, Umi’s lyrics took on a new energy, Kotori couldn’t stop drawing outfits. The world was open before them. There was still an awe to it, a magic, even after Love Live! and the first visit to the States. 

They didn’t go as u’s anymore, of course, but people still knew them. There was no official name for their trio; Honoka wanted, “Umi and the Salts”, Kotori wanted “Three Birds” and Umi’s reluctant contribution was “Color Wheel”- Orange Green Blue- Mostly, they went as “Orange Salty Birds.” (Nico made fun of them whenever possible.)

Days seemed unending. Kotori never wanted it to stop. New outfits to make, new songs to perform, what more could she want? Nights were cheap hotels and campsites; their orange van carrying the musical equipment. Sometimes when they only had one bed they’d all jumble together, Honoka somehow dominating the bed despite being one small girl. Before she wasn’t allowed to mention Honoka, she’d tease Umi about the night in Philadelphia- Umi still got flustered every time she took a train through the city. Philadelphia was… Kotori still wasn’t sure how it happened, but the cheap sake Umi had bought had something to do with it. 

It was the usual night at a hotel: soft lighting, hazy paintings of lilies, song writing, air conditioning that kept them all under one blanket. Well, usual unless you counted the way Umi was downing those cups of sake. Honoka and Kotori had tried to keep up, but… the buzz welled inside her, intertwined legs on the king-sized bed felt electric; a zap of sensation each time skin touched. Umi would crawl over her to shove new lyrics in her face; Honoka nestling up to Kotori to hum new melodies that didn’t quite match Umi’s words- American songs that Kotori had never heard of- Kotori herself, she remembered, had kept a notebook with her, trying to draw the outfits for the next show. The slender fingers of Umi were distracting. Thin tapered fingers that strung bows or grasped pens, the flowing fountain pen of Umi’s glided across the page as she whispered songs to herself. Umi’s handwriting was beautiful, of course. Rigid but elegant.

It should have been suspect, looking back a year later, when Umi had been drinking as much as she did. That Honoka and Umi kept exchanging glances from one another to Kotori and back. When Honoka’s arms wrapped behind her, Kotori paid little attention. When Umi pushed the notebooks to the floor, slid under the covers, Kotori thought they were all going to bed. It was only when she realized Umi and Honoka were holding hands, making a Kotori sandwich when she thought something was off. “You guys look close…” Why did that hurt? 

“We’ve all always been close, Kotori. We love you.” Honoka rubbed her head on Kotori’s shoulders with a happy Honoka sound. “Umi perhaps… a little differently”- she stuck her tongue out at Umi- “But we love you. You two are my best friends and you mean the world to me.” 

Kotori’s heart was beating fast. What did she mean by that? “H-Honoka…”

“Kotori, I….” Umi’s face was bright red, from the alcohol or embarrassment, she couldn’t tell. “I… you know, I see a lot of girls holding hands around here and I…”

“Spit it outtttt.”

“Honoka!”

“What is it, Umi?” I… I want to know. I’m right here.” 

Umi’s amber eyes flickered. “I’ve always… ever since we were kids… the two of you… yes, even you, Honoka… I know a lot of girls just have friends, but… Kotori, I….” Her voice wavered. “I love you, Kotori. I’ve never stopped wishing for you.”

Kotori’s heart was going to burst. “Umi, I’ve always… always…. I love you too….”

It was an embrace, at first. Was Umi always so soft? Were girls really this gentle, this… her head spun. Umi’s lips on her check. Her hair. Her lips. A kiss, the flavor of sake and home. As if Kotori had finally found a harbor to drop her anchor. Deep and still. Honoka pulled away as Kotori drowned in feeling, but Umi told her to stay. “You too, Honoka.”

“Umi… Kotori… are you sure…?” 

“Don’t make me say it again. I… I love you too, Honoka.” 

“We always have.”

\+ 

When did it go wrong? Kotori didn’t know much about the incident last year. Love was a funny thing, it had a way of consuming your mental processes. Was it when Honoka started going on those weird websites? Was it when Umi started to disappear for elongated conversations with her parents, pacing the unused hotel pool sides? Was it when Tsubasa showed up in the States, after their concert in New Jersey? Hindsight made all of these incidents obvious, glaring signs of OFF. At the time, Kotori was thinking about what kind of cheesecake to bring home for dinner. 

The first thing she could think of was when Honoka herself disappeared in New York. After all, it was the last time she saw Honoka before everything became irrevocably broken. Honoka had spent the trip with her nose in a book. She’d been gazing off into windows, humming to herself, asking odd questions. As soon as the show was over, she’d gone missing for several hours. 

When they’d found her, something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

+

“Miss Minami?”

Kotori had not noticed the stranger sitting next to her. A woman in black business wear. Long red hair. Looking grave. 

“Um, yes…” 

The woman stared at her with cold dead eyes. “Are you aware of the weapons found in your partner’s custody?” 

“Umi.. Umi’s always used a bow… was she using it in New York or something?”

“We’re afraid we’re going to have to take Miss Sonoda in for questioning as soon as she recovers. The weapons we found are not legal in the United States, or frankly, anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triads are messy AF to write 
> 
> also they probably didn't do much beyond kiss/cuddle on their first night given Umi appears to be embarrassed by romance movies and I am probably stretching the limits of what drunk Umi is capable of


	10. SUNNY DAY HONK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TIER 2 BABYYYYYYY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sex mention!!!! at least PG-13 if not R!!!!! sorry this is late and short i was busy bringing my goddess home. i guess naming this "SUNNY DAY HONK" is ironic given i just got vamp honk :B 
> 
> i normally don't post single scenes but uh i felt bad for being late so here ya go nerds

Chapter 10: SUNNY DAY HONK

**MAKI**   
  


White-hot heat. Touches of the sun on her face, her shoulders. Sunbeams warming each limb; a tingling in the fingers, a bite of sunburn along the inner thigh. Each adoring light reflected, the attention taking form in energy and sound. Every nerve was alit in anticipation. She was the moon that climbed the night sky, the sun waiting patiently for her journey upwards. She was nothing at all, nothing but touch. Being touched. A hand followed the curves and crescents, dipping into the darkness. 

“Ah… Honoka, I…” 

“I’ve got you right here, Maki,” Breath against her core. A liquid heat growing inside her, rising and rising through her stomach, chest; as if she would burst from sensation. She was going to die. She was nothing at all but the tiny sphere that danced under the sun’s fingertips. “I love the way you move against me. It’s so beautiful, Maki.”

Did she know? The overflow that threatened to tumble out in one long howl? She longed to lose herself, to let it all come out. To be nothing. To be handled, maneuvered, a non-entity. 

“That’s it. Just keep following my fingers.” It was a dance. Rising and falling in rhythm. She tried not to think about how she looked, how she sounded. Nico had teased her afterwards, the first time. With trembling thighs she matched the motions of the slow, lazy circles. Orbits around her sunshine, a satellite. Falling into the night sky. The science imagery suddenly crashed the building orgasm to a nasty stop. The meteor. The secrets. Umi. Nico calling her a pillow princess.

“Honoka, I… this is…”

“Are you okay, Maki? We can stop.” 

“No! Maybe. Yes. I. I really like you and… I…I really like this and…” She opened her eyes. Honoka was ardently staring up at her from the floor. Maki relaxed, no longer hyper-tense. Why was she suddenly a blushing teenager again, all bashful in Nico’s car? “I… just… cuddle me, Honoka. Be big spoon.” 

The rain hadn’t stopped since last night. They laid against the bright orange pillows, underneath the A-RISE poster. Rumbling in the distance. For a few minutes they stayed like that, in the cool bedroom. She could feel Honoka’s heartbeat, the way her chest rose with each breath. Somehow it wasn’t enough. Did Honoka want to hold her? “You… you really like me, right?” 

Honoka sat up and looked at Maki. She looked more serious than Maki had ever seen her in her entire life, Love Live! and the past months’ shady events included. “Maki, I’ve… I’ve liked you since I was sixteen. I… I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this way before. I… it’s…. complicated, but… Maki, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You mean so much to me. I… I think I might be… I really like you a lot, Maki. I’m happy every time I see you. I want to see more of you. I wish I could wake up to you every morning.”

“H-Honoka…”

“So yeah, I’d say I like you quite a bit, Maki!” Honoka kissed her full on the mouth. “Don’t ever forget that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the actual ending is Maki goes on SSRIs and stops being sad 
> 
> tbh from the manga it's easy to see her parents as kinda shitty/contributing to her lil moody self. pls bear with me.


	11. HEART TO HONK!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> then let's communicate with our smiles/the afternoon after:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost to the end of part 1 kids!!! i've kind of got things planned out. >:D

CHAPTER 11: HEART TO HONK! 

**MAKI**  
  
Maki did not want to climb out of the oh-so-soft bed, to disrupt the synchronized breathing of her and Honoka that had so wonderfully joined together for the first time, to straighten her mussed hair that stood like a queen’s crown upon her head. Would the magic end, if she stood up and put on a bar? No, the bruises on her thighs would still be there when she put on her jeans, her old workout shirt, the weather-friendly boots; she would still ache in that pleasant way between her thighs. Honoka would still sit next to her in biology class. She dressed quietly, least she not wake up her lover, and went to the bathroom to freshen up. 

Honoka’s bathroom was exactly what Maki had expected: orange everywhere, citrus body wash in the shower (bright orange shower curtain) towels made from sunshine. The clothing from last night hung over the shower rod- where on earth did she get that ridiculous HONK shirt?- wrinkling as they dried. A bag, bright orange, of course, had been thrown in the corner. Maki tsked, before remembering the squalor she lived in on those days she could not get out of bed. Brushing away her success, she hummed the opening of Aishiteru Banzai to herself. It was going to be a good morning.  
Maki almost missed it. She turned out the light, only to notice a reflection on the tile. A glow. Honoka’s bag was alit from within. Did Honoka leave her phone in her purse? Since they were… whatever they were, would it be an invasion of privacy to fetch something out of her purse? She reached forward into the bag- 

_“I wish I could wake up to you every morning.”_

_“H-Honoka…”_

Maki jumped. It was as if the scene appeared in her head, as if she heard it, felt Honoka’s fingers reassuring fingers running down her arm, the plushness of the bed. Was she going crazy? She shook her head. The upcoming finals must be getting to her. There were more than enough things to worry about already. 

What Maki did miss, however, was a dampness to her hair that had not been there before. 

 

***

Honoka’s apartment was in a sleepy little neighborhood, even smaller than their college town. The wilderness grew even wilder, and Maki wondered if they would ever go on nature walks together, holding hands and picking flowers- she blushed at the thought, since when had she had such ridiculous fantasies? Flowers and shops made up the entirety of main street. Honoka had insisted on the Center Nova café for breakfast. It was a quiet place, with glass decorations that hung from the ceiling and watercolor paintings that seemed to be entire galaxies within themselves. Murmured singing played over the speakers that seemed to accompany the steady afternoon downpour. 

The tea was served in china-gold teacups- gold poured between the cracked edges. Honoka admired her cup, tracing her bitten fingernails over the fine golden lines. 

“Have you ever heard why they do that?” Maki held her own cup in her hands, letting the warmth rise into her body. 

Honoka shook her head, nibbling on a croissant. “It’s so pretty though!” 

Maki squeezed Honoka’s hand. “It’s because when the cups break, they’re repaired with gold specifically. The china is thought to be more beautiful for having been broken. It adds more to the cup than just simple perfection.” 

“Ahhh that’s so cool, Maki! How do you know all this stuff?” 

“Too much reading, I suppose.” The tea was an earthy jasmine blend. Did tea always taste this good? Honoka was smiling at her between bites of bread. Was that a glow? Were they…?  
When the food came, Maki realized she was ravenous. She inhaled the sandwich and salad only to ask for some fruit afterwards. (Honoka offered her some of her bread)  
“Were you hungry, Maki?”  
“A little,” It had been a long time since she’d been… physical. Her body was coming alive again, remembering how to open and flower in the presence of another. Flesh was no longer a nuisance, but rather a way of interacting with Honoka, the world- and really, what was the difference? “The morning was a workout.” 

Honoka reddened but grinned all the same. “Us college students have to stay in shape somehow.” 

Dare Maki ask, bring the conversation to a halt with practical matters of the heart? She remembered the awkward jousting with Yuri her senior year- don’t make it weird, don’t ask what they were, don’t wave in the halls- but this was Honoka Kousaka, not a brusque pairing in the bookshelves of the library. 

Weird things aside, first she needed to know where they stood. 

“Honoka…” Maki looked down to her cleaned plate. “Can we talk?” 

There were those wide blue eyes again, alarm in her eyebrows, her hand clenching her cup as if she might break it all over again; to be filled with molten lava rather than the metallic filling.  
“O-of course.” 

“Where do you want this to go?” Maki took a deep breath. No use in trying to be coy about this. She felt too much to try to play this any other way. “I… I have feelings for you. I’m always thinking about you when you’re not there. You’re… amazing. You saved me, when I saw you up on that roof. Every time I see you my chest pounds. Every time you touch me it’s like I’m waking up for the first time. I-if this is just a one-time thing I understand, but I want it to be something more.” 

Tension escaped from Honoka’s shoulders and her worried expression lifted into a genuine smile. “I feel the same!” Honoka stood up, and more than one person turned to look at then, “You know… I’ve never really had a normal relationship. But I want to try. If…. If you’ll be patient with me….” 

“Of course,” Maki stood up herself, taking Honoka’s hands. “It would be my honor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i got it honoka turns into the center nova and makes besties with yuuko and acchan


	12. Susume > Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to move more and confirm my power/it's so short y'all can get it now i guess GOTTA GO 2 WORK LEAVE ME LOTS OF GLOWING COMMENTS OKAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE GODDESS HAS ARRIVED

CHAPTER 12: SUSUME > HONK

 **HONOKA**  
  
The train was empty when she stepped on the 9:37. She stretched out on the seats, holding the sheaves of paper above her head. Equations she hadn’t dared show to her professors filled the 8 x 11 sheets. Letters and numbers and symbols burned their way into her mind, each section of numbers as familiar to her as songs, as steps she’d once taken in rhythm.  
Was this the past she was meant to walk? Someone a long time ago had told her so. That this fumbling through life had been the right decision, leaving her to chase every familiar dream, every incident of déjà vu she’d ever experienced. An angler fish, hunting its own light. 

Honoka did her best not to look back. The past was a bad sake hangover, and Honoka Kousaka did not have time for hangovers. It was time to move forward. She smiled. Well. Sort of. 

Did Maki know? She did her best to ignore the grip on her chest, the strangest bit of pleasure-pain when she thought of Maki; those violet eyes always watching kindly, carefully, the unconscious hair twirling, the way she blushed when Honoka complimented her, her gentle way of helping without condescending. No, Maki couldn’t know. She thought Maki had figured it out this morning- how could Honoka have been so careless, she wondered, leaving all of her research out that way- but no, it was a far stranger force of nature that Maki was questioning. Love. Maki. Her girlfriend. The thought sent happy tingles to her brain. Who would have thought it would be biology that had brought them together? 

Honoka sat up. Blinking streetlamps ripped in and out of existence as the train zipped forward. Ghosts of lights flared, ghosts of people in crowded trains nestled up to her on the seat. Too-loud headphones, the smell of coffee. Would Maki yell at her, when she found out? Umi’s scowl, Umi’s raised voice, a palm connecting with Honoka’s cheek- would Maki hate her too? Did Kotori ever find out what had happened, did Umi tell? No. Umi was far too responsible for such a thing. Honoka snorted. She wished she’d told Umi she was a buzzkill before she’d left the States. The stop for the college was coming up. Honoka stood up, mentally steeling herself. This was another step in the right direction, she thought, as she exited the train. It was cool for an August night. The sky was a strange, almost greenish color, growing more and more verdant as she entered the woods near the meteor site. The woods had gotten quieter, since she’d taken lone walks back here before the crash. Not even the crickets that had called it a night were chirping now. A vacuum of sound. 

Was it natural to tremble, in such a place? A tug of distant memory pulled at her- the charred trees, the eerie shimmering of the plants. Yes, she must be going the right way. The secrets of the meteor were hers to discover now. 

After all, she supposed, she’d done this before.  
  
  
END OF PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes if u were wondering i did just reread color out of space 
> 
> part 1 of 3 unless i GRRM this shit


	13. Honk CROSSROADS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> times are strange  
> we got a free upgrade for  
> elis on a plane.  
> fuck em, I don't care.  
> pop the cheap champagne,  
> we're going down in flames, hey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE BESIDES NICO/NOZO/MAKI IS HARD TO WRITE 
> 
> (alcohol mention)

INTERLUDE 1  
 **ELI**  


Sitting for hours had a way of making one sore. A few flights a month Eli Ayase could manage, but the forth time in two weeks had her screaming internally as she crossed her legs on the coach seat. A scowl. Yes, she could afford better, but she had no intention of being noticed this trip. Her long legs bumped against the seat in front of her, and it took all of her considerable self control not to start yelling into the metal tube hurtling across the sky and timezones. She was worn to the bones, and then those bones had been scraped down to their marrow and broken apart at a molecular level. Would she like a drink, an auburn beauty in a stewardess uniform asked her. Yes. Yes she would. Make it a double. 

Clouds held no thrill anymore. Storybook bloated puff balls, she thought. When would it be dark? When could she sleep? The bright azure sky showed no signs of heavier precipitation. The orb of the sun managed to be blinding, even with sunglasses on. She tipped her baseball cap to obscure the ball of gas millions of miles away. 

She was glad this job was over. The States drained her. Traveling like this drained her. She missed the chill of home, the compacted cities rather than the wide open spaces. New York was okay, she guessed. But... she clutched her briefcase. Her hand hurt. The stewardess brought her a glass. Eli looked up and saw green eyes; she tried not to think of the green eyes waiting back home. It'd been almost three weeks in-field and she hadn't been able to make any calls. Business, Nozomi. It's all in the family business. How long would Nozomi tolerate that? Eli took a long swig of her drink. Vodka and cranberry. It was nice vodka, Eli supposed. Nothing special, but not bad. The stewardess gave her a smile and Eli gave her a thumbs-up. (A very painful thumbs-up.) 

Would Nozomi notice the bruises this time? Lately they'd only undressed in the dark. It was better that way, Eli thought. The more Nozomi knew, the more danger she would be in. 

The gravity of the situation felt oppressive, as if she'd come from earth after a lifetime of the moon. Sometimes... sometimes, she wished she'd picked a life that didn't involve being proficient in secrets. Was it doing a disservice to feminism, to wish she didn't have to carry? Was it wrong, to wish for personal fulfillment rather than duty? Hadn't she played this particular lesson out, years and years ago?

And yet, here she was. Flying back to Russia. 

Sometimes, she wished Honoka had kept _u's_ together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPACE 
> 
> METAPHORS 
> 
> CAN'T 
> 
> STOP
> 
> WON'T 
> 
> STOP


	14. koi no shigunaru honk honk honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (the night of the storm, in Tokyo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited as of 5/24/2017

  
**RIN**

Hanayo was all curves and folds and sweetness; a warm pastry after a cold day: in sleep she was a princess of the bed, ruler of the covers, duchess of Rin’s… There was a crash of thunder. Hanayo could sleep through the apocalypse, Rin thought. She imagined herself as a knight, fighting tirelessly against the hordes of mutants that dared threaten her princess. Together till the very last. 

It was the kind of storm to unplug the electronics and bring out the candles. Rin and Hanayo had made tiny smores with the baby marshmallows, giggling under the blankets. They’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, not minding the body heat. Hanayo was an angel: at times Rin wondered how she’d managed to get so lucky, to be with this being of infinite purity and love. Well, Rin had been asleep until a huge, entirely too close strike of lightening had hit what Rin assumed to be next door and woke her up.

To be honest, Rin didn’t mind. The dreams had started back up again. 

Crowds, she’d remembered. Lights. Screaming. It was good screaming, at first. Sweat. Different hands soothing her, praising her. But it always got worse, as she slept through the night. Fists on fists. Blood on water. Falling on sand. In the dreams, her legs always ached- too real a feeling for a dream, with burning calves and muscle tension. Sometimes when she woke up her waking body still felt exhausted. 

It wasn’t the first time Rin had had this dream. She hadn’t told Hanayo. Hanayo had enough to worry about, with the gallery showing coming up. Nico, on the other hand… 

“GUESS WHO HAD A WEIRD DREAM” 

Rin sat back on the wall. Another boom from the outside echoed into her ears, and she put a pillow over her head. It was two, three. Would Nico even be awake? A buzz on her lap. “HANAYO” (Nico’s text tone was normally “Nico Nico Nii” but Rin had put in on silent.) 

With hesitance Rin removed the pillow to type. Her silver ring glinted in the darkness from the overpowering light of the screen. “NO IT’S ME HAHA” 

“Dude me too... I had some kind of red glowstick that chopped people it was really weird…”

“R U A JEDI NICO” 

“Bow before your nico-nico master.” Rin missed this, she missed screwing around with everyone. She missed Nico being… Nico. 

“A sith… uh… likes absolutes?” Crack of lightening. Even the sky wasn't impressed. 

“lol…I’m running out of references too. You’ll be okay, Rin. I think we all have weird dreams sometimes. I do.” 

“YOU TOO?” 

There was a lull. Rin had expected an almost instant response, but ten minutes had passed before Nico texted back. “The dreams are kind of a bummer. They suck. It’s usually weird dreams I barely remember but they piss me off. It’s pretty lame. I’m gonna try to go to bed, Rin. I hope you have better dreams.” 

“U 2. DREAM ABOUT KITTENS.” 

(Nico did dream about kittens.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry if this is bad i am totally sleep deprived ;-; i might re-write it later ;-; i have work in an hour and a half and i haven't slept at all; ;=;
> 
> (i do try to give the girls SLIGHTLY different styles, or at least hopefully different voices. (for instance maki notices beauty, angst, and honoka, nico is a gremlin who plays a surprisingly cool older sister at times, umi is ernest hemingway, honoka is v ~mysterious~ and determined, etc etc etc)


	15. Secret Honks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know, things

**UMI**  
  
The ceiling was high and white. Unfamiliar. Mechanic noises. Plastic in her arm. An IV. Umi had failed. Pain rose through her chest. It was a sharp pain; clutching her lungs and ribs with its white-hot bolts of sensation. Where were the fog of painkillers?

“Umi?” A familiar voice. A bird’s voice, a worn-out chirp that had seen too many early mornings and not enough shared sunsets from her sparse tree branch. Umi tried to raise her head. She failed. The drug of pain was too much for her.

“…Kotori?” Whisps of tawny hair in the corner of her eye. A smell of earth. 

“Yes, I’m here…. You’ve been out for hours,” A choked quality in her voice, as if she were struggling not to cry. Words cracked with emotion. “I’ve been so worried, Umi…” 

Kotori gripped her hand.

When did it become so hard to speak to her loved one? “I’m sorry, I didn’t want for you to…” 

“The doctors weren’t sure you were going to make it and…” 

“Is Miss Sonoda awake?” Clack. Clack. A wind, a tightening grip. An unfamiliar voice. American? A woman’s voice.

“Kotori, who is… is that the doctor?”

“I’m sorry, Umi, but… I have to go now, Umi…” 

“I… I love you…”

It felt like an eternity before she heard the words. Wavering tone again. Tears? Umi wanted to die. “I love you too… please be safe, okay?” 

Softer footsteps, a closed door. Umi closed her eyes. She was alone. No one spoke for a few minutes. The woman broke the silence. “You lost, didn’t you, Miss Sonoda?” 

A sputter, a weak laugh. “It was only a matter of time before you got involved.” A pale face loomed over her. Red curls down the woman’s shoulders. She looked grave. 

“My superiors want to send you back to Japan, you know.” Umi caught something thicker in her voice. Slower. Not the glib american accent that tumbled out so quickly.

“You haven’t.”

“You know more about it than anyone else. It would be a shame to waste all of that knowledge.”

“Do you have a name?

“Mary Farrell.”

“You don’t look like a Mary.”

The woman smiled. It was a strange smile, rueful yet pleased. “That’s what they tell me.” 

“So, Mary, what did you have in mind?” 

“I was wondering if you would be interested in an… arrangement?” 

 

**END OF INTERLUDE PART 1**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umi is actually ernest hemingway (or what little I remember of him)


	16. Interhonkin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fT0SLVNdvF8
> 
> brandon sanderson-esque multiverse continuity goin on right here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i

CHAPTER 16: INTERMISSION

**NICO**

“ELECTRONIC SMOKE? WOW.” English words came out of the strange blonde’s mouth. Why was she wearing a long white dress in a gas station? Hell, why was Nico in a long black dress in a gas station? Why did she drink a trashcan last night? Why did she still feel buzzed?

Mari pointed to the display case next to the register. A tiny neon sign with smoke billowing out of a cylinder hung over the case, along with tiny energy drink bottles and caffeine pills. In one plastic box was a revolving plate of donuts. She needed water. And food.  
Nico Yazawa wondered, if in every single alternate universe, she was hung over. “…yes.”

Nico and Mari had stopped by the 7/11 on the way home from Mari’s beach house- Mari had given her a lift in her personal helicopter, a fact that still had not sunk into Nico’s poor sleep deprived brain- and there… there she encountered… it. The object had been plaguing her nightmares for the past month. Small. Compact. Electric. Nico did not understand the dreamscapes she inhabited. Pastels and neon and strange rainbow gradients that seeped into the depths of the sky. Smoke billowed from the nostrils of dragons, from the painted mouths of women, from the stacks in the sky that spewed their toxic waste.  
Nico had seen, for the first time in her young life, an e-cigarette. 

“It’s STRAWBERRY! Shall we get it?” Mari cusped her wanderlusting hands around Nico’s waist, fluorescent sparkles catching on her pearly nails. 

“Um,” What do you say to this? “Sure.” 

“YES!” More English. The blonde was squeezing her now. “We shall be SO COOL.” 

“The greatest cool?” 

“THE GREATEST COOL.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAHAHHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHA


	17. Interhonkin Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fT0SLVNdvF8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS
> 
> ALSO I GOT A NEW LAPTOP

CHAPTER 17: INTERLUDE PART 2  
**NOZOMI**

“Oh, haha, you’re silly babe. I got to go, love you Nozomi.”  
“Love you too, Eli.” A click. 

The succulent was dying. Brown crept from the tips to the center of the thick leaves. No matter how often it was water, given plant growth, or how much sunlight it was given on the windowsill, it refused to thrive. Rider, with his thick mangy hair, had seemed to absorb all the energy. Nozomi had known it was going to die when she picked it up. She had the withered plant in the corner of her window, and yet she had bought it anyways. Maybe she wanted to rebel. Or maybe, a darker part of her mused, she wanted to see if she could fight her premonitions. 

Dead plant aside, the apartment did not appear to be neglected; the dishes were washed, the surfaces were cleared and dusted, dinner was cooking in the hot-pot. What was not visible to the eye, however was the negative space a woman had left behind. No expensive perfume (a light floral scent) in the bedroom; where they had lain together for hours, watching each other’s faces as they stroked one another, cried into the fabric to silent the full-throated sighs. (Eli always left a few golden hairs on the violet pillows.) The air no longer came through open windows, cool currents did not dance underneath their skirts, did not dandle against her legs. No hopeful inquires of dinner, was it going to be those fancy chocolates tonight?

Did Eli know, how Nozomi loathed the sight of the empty chair across the table? 

Nozomi had not cared to go home, after the last client. She was sapped, her spiritual power all but depleted. The reading had been difficult; inquires of life and death (pregnancies, life support, the uneasy hips of an old dog) Nozomi wondered if she had truly helped, or if she had charged entirely too much money to flip over a two of swords and declare there was a large decision to be made. The potential baby was entirely too ambiguous, the life support a five of pentacles, and the dog a four of swords- something to be deeply considered. Clear as mud.

All she saw these days was uncertainty. 

Walking home was a haze, only a sense of the future would get her home in one piece. It seemed every time she turned a corner another car would pull out in front of her, every crosswalk had a red light plowed through. Wet steps and uneven sidewalks plagued her as she made her way from the office to the store to home. Sometimes she idly wondered if her hour was up: it was disconcerting that the thought passed so casually by her. The month had dragged in her solitude. Eli would call at odd hours with strange noises in the background, the steady trickle of clients equally as worried. The economy. Their careers. Their marriages. No one liked September, least of all Nozomi. Cool without the burst of color, hot without the carefree breezes of summer. Today it was hot, and Nozomi’s draping materials clung to her in a fabric prison. She drank a beer, one of Eli’s prized ones, put her feet over Eli’s chair. Would that show her, on who knows what continent? 

Did Eli know, how Nozomi loathed the sight of the empty chair across the table? 

Nozomi shook her head. Was it a mantra? An intrusive thought to be played, over and over? 

Her mind extended wherever it wanted, with little regard for Nozomi. Flashes of a plane touching down, an airport café. St. Petersburgh? Smoke in the air, a different brand than Eli normally snuck after long noontime naps. 

Would Eli notice her bruised eyes, her downward gaze? These days, Nozomi could scarcely hold eye contact. 

It wasn’t always Eli. Sometimes her parents- Nozomi did her best to shut those out- sometimes long lost friends. Mostly it was her teammates. Hanayo pouring over extensive murals, Rin working out, Maki studying hard, Nico… being Nico. She appreciated those ones. It made her happy to see how far they’d come. Kotori and Umi made less sense, and often they were choppier. Eli was the most elusive. 

But Honoka? Nozomi could not see Honoka at all. 

 

***

Eli called that evening. Nozomi had let it ring for a good twenty seconds before picking up. They didn’t have much to say- as if Eli would tell her anything- only exchanged brief version of their day before exchanging those mandatory relationship words Nozomi had come to dread yet needed at the end of a phone call. “I do miss you.” I miss having a real relationship. I miss when you told me anything. Do you miss this, Eli? “When will you be home?”

“I miss you too. I’ll be home soon.” 

“Russia, right?” 

Eli seemed genuinely surprised. “You knew?” 

“Spiritual power.” 

“Oh, haha, you’re silly babe. I got to go, love you Nozomi.” 

“Love you too Eli.” A click. 

Hadn’t they already had this conversation? Nozomi was going mad. 

Did it matter anymore, if Eli was cheating? A lie was a lie, another girl just added an extra stab to the gut. Secrets ate you from within. They devoured security, trust, love. To love is to be genuine, to lie is to… 

Nozomi did not let herself finish the thought. Hadn’t they dreamed- back when they shared a bed every night of the week rather than a few weekends every few months- that they’d adopt a child one day? Eli would be the dad, they’d joked, Nozomi as the perfect mother. They would visit Moskau together, visit their old hometowns, take their child to see musicals and dance recitials and shows- they would travel the world together and-

The buzzer of the hot pot went off. Nozomi ignored it. 

Even then, Nozomi had known something was wrong. Not with Eli, exactly. With everything. Their dreams were static, their futures growing dimmer as time marched forward. Was she losing her touch? Was it that her power might be growing weaker? But no- Nozomi could sense the things around her, see what others could not. There was something else at work. She’d felt it for a while now. 

She didn’t need the cards to tell her. They had, the night before. The Tower. One did not need the specifics. Everything was going to go to hell. Had everything been going to hell around her and she had not noticed? The soft crush of night had fallen. Nozomi crawled into bed, trying not to think of Eli’s side anymore, Eli’s pillow, Eli’s arms around her. She tried to relish the full glory of an unshared bed. She failed. A cold bed and a secretive girlfriend, Nozomi decided, was the world going to hell. 

 

END OF INTERLUDES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure which i feel worse for: that last chapter or this one 
> 
> i'm rly sorry i'll go back to SOME level of fluff soon 
> 
> i can't say anything but UHHHHHHHHHH. 
> 
> i will give you guys ONE HINT: i like to hide information in poetic bullshit. (no honoka is not a literal sun)


	18. Honoka Kousaka: Re-Honkamitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka and Maki's first day of the fall semester ( sex mention)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't actually know anything about science beyond a lot of sci-fi books and star trek and like two semesters of being a bio major tbh pls feel free to correct me

PART 2

 

Morning kisses were new to Honoka. Night kisses she knew, in the privacy of Comfort Inns and deserted bus stops, but never had Umi and Kotori kissed her in the daylight. (It was not out of cruelty, no, but two gay ex idols dating was bad enough, they said; three gay ex idols dating was entirely too much of a walking scandal.) It was only during finals week that Honoka had been kissed in the sunshine, holding hands with Maki across campus. It dawned on her, with Maki’s warm hand pressed against hers, that this was the first time she’d experienced PDA. 

Maki’s presence in her bed always surprised her in a pleasant way; as if waking up from a good dream and finding an even better one curled up against her. Maki was an ardent cuddler, to Honoka’s surprise. As if she had never received proper affection, and every moment spent with Honoka might be her last. Honoka tried to ease her with caresses and words; we’ll do all of the holidays together, she told Maki after an especially bad phone call home, I’ll teach you how to make candies for Halloween. Every morning was spent in a soft blur of touch and talk, finding new things about each other’s bodies. Maki had found a small scar on the back of Honoka’s knee, and liked to kiss it before moving upwards; in a position Honoka had no idea she liked before Maki had discovered it. Maki was an experimenter, and after they had established a level of comfort in their affections, Maki was always finding a new thing to try. (Honoka did not mind in the slightest.) Collarbones were a weak point for Maki, and even the slightest press of them brought sounds Maki’s roommate would complain about for weeks to come.

No matter how early or late, mornings were always the best part of Honoka’s day. A respite. Shelter from the storm outside the bedroom. 

She’d gotten better at hiding her things, after the first morning together Honoka had been vigilant about keeping her research away from Maki. Somewhere she knew Maki’s worry had been growing, now with a certain curiosity as well. It was natural. But she had to keep Maki away from it. Honoka was close, so close, and she could not afford to let anyone stop her; lover or otherwise. 

Honoka wished, not for the first time, that she was free of the itinerary in the back of her mind. That she did not have to follow the path set for her. 

 

The first morning of the new semester had been in Maki’s bed, Maki’s arms. Honoka had made them breakfast- blueberry pancakes- while Maki brewed the coffee. (A very difficult job, Maki said, with a sideways glance.) Maki’s roommate Sono had adjusted to Honoka’s constant presence by now, not even lifting an eyebrow whenever Honoka came out pantless. “Nice underwear” was the only response to Honoka’s bright orange lace bikini cut. It was a sunny morning, and a soft filter was cast over the scene. Maki was relaxed; talking, chattering even with Sono as Honoka flipped the pancakes. 

“We’ll be taking a genetics course together, and some strange physics professor. Our schedules are so similar that we just decided to take all of our class together.” 

Sono shook her head at the last statement, “Dr. A, right? I heard she does a lot of weird experiments for the government. Those pancakes smell really good, Kousaka.” 

Honoka inspected the pancakes. They looked done, and she begun to move over to serve them on the lavender plates. Maki smiled at her before continuing, “Yeah, she’s supposed to be really good or something. She could be working wherever she wanted. I heard she used to work for some European company doing all of these complicated theories.” 

Honoka’s hands shook. A muffled thud. The pancake had missed the plate and ended up on the table. Why was she trembling? She apologized in her most devil-may care voice and willed herself to think in numbers instead of words or feelings. Maki’s eyes were resting on her now; Honoka turned away, not wanting to lie to Maki with her voice.  
When they left for the train, Honoka gave her an extra squeeze of the hand and tried to coax the worry out of her eyes with promises of lunch and an evening free of homework. The “evening free” did the trick, and Maki’s expression turned thoughtful and excited. 

“You got anything interesting planned, Maki?” 

Maki kissed her cheek, “You’ll just have to find out.” 

 

The first day back was what Honoka expected: doing absolutely nothing. As the lecturers went over the syllabus, Honoka poured over her notes. This day, this time, this variable. It would come together. It would work, it would really work. A few more tweaks and… a cold sweat ran down her neck. She hadn’t thought about what this would mean for everyone else. 

Many of her classmates greeted the pair with a newfound excitement, news of them dating had spread fast and most of the girls- and even some of the professors- were happy for them. Motomiya- Honoka’s roommate- had actually squealed when she saw Honoka and Maki eating lunch at the café together. 

It was the class with Dr. A, Honoka thought, that was the main thing of importance today. 

Dr. A was a formidable woman. Honoka had only seen her from a distance in large lectures she’d snuck into or in pictures from conferences. The pictures did not do her justice. There was an intenseness in her eyes that Honoka had never seen in a professor, or, well, anyone. As the student poured into the muted classroom, she did not look up once, but flipped through her papers, as if there was an answer to be discovered in them. 

Honoka pretended she did not notice Maki looking at Honoka, and the professor, and Honoka back again. 

At two PM exactly, Dr. A closed the door, and began to talk. 

Her voice was a powerful whisper and did not rise above it. All other conversation stopped, as if by magic. Only the sound of a clock could be heard. The quietness forced them to listen in rather than let the words pass over. She was not a statuesque woman, but rather slight and angular, like a walking dagger. Her one-inch heels tapped against the floor with authority when she paced, every lecture must have taken her a mile. Something drove her from the inside, as if a tightly wound watch.  
Honoka had read all of her papers at least five times, but even this introductory syllabus day was intense. Space and time, mathematics that went from numbers to the underlying building blocks of the universe, plancks, complicated theories none of them had ever heard of before. Well, Honoka had, but the rest of the class looked very lost. Maki was frowning as she looked over the syllabus, almost uncertain. 

“…I do not expect all of you to understand this. But I expect you to show up and do the work. I will not tolerate failure. You are permitted to get it wrong, but you are not permitted to give up. That is all for today. Class dismissed,” Dr. A finished, sitting down at the desk, “Please look over the readings for next week, we will be discussing them in  
depth.” 

The students trickled out with low murmurs of confusion. Maki widened her eyes at her. 

“Did you get any of that? God, I’m supposed to studying for med school… I mean, I can do it. Don’t get me wrong.” 

“I’m sure you can, Maki, you aren’t a genius for nothing.” 

Maki reddened, bright as a cherry tomato, “Yeah, yeah. Guess we’re not having a free evening after all.” 

“We can do it! It was our last class. I’m going to go talk to Dr. A, meet you in the library?”

“Okay, I’ll get you a hot chocolate. See you, Honks.” Maki left, black dress swinging in the draft. Honoka admired her exit, giving herself time to work up the courage to talk.  
It was just her and Dr. A now, who had not looked up from her work once since class ended. 

Well, waiting around wasn’t going to make this go faster. Honoka stepped down the lecture hall, hands clenched in her orange hoodie. She’d read so much of her work. It was like she’d know Dr. A like old friends, right? 

“Hi, Dr. A. My name in Honoka Kousaka and I’m a student of yours. Nice to meet you!” 

Dr. A looked up. To Honoka’s surprise, she had deep purple eyes. With a push of the glasses, Dr. A regarded Honoka with an almost look, “Are you that ex-school idol emailing me all those strange questions over break?” 

She was on to her, “Ahahaha, um, yes, I thought I’d introduce myself properly. Thank you again by the way, it was a big help. Pleased to meet you finally.” 

“Oh. Yes. Very. Do try not to send me strange questions about lasers and gravity at four in the morning from now on,” Dr. A actually smiled at her now, “You’ll get there. Now go do your homework. See you at the meteor site, Honoka Kousaka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little embarrassed- Dr. A has been a character in the back of my mind since almost the get-go and I assumed she was in the story, but looking back I don't think she ever made it out of the drafts @_@


	19. Dreams In The Honk House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umi's adventures in the hospital with her new american BFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umi is hard to write and is probs OOC sorry kids.
> 
> very minor edit as of 6/22/2017 for a very small, meaningless cameo and a few fixed lines

CHAPTER 19  
UMI 

Redheads had a special power, Umi decided, to get underneath her skin. They must have done something bad in a past life, to be marked with such an attention-gathering color; Honoka’s shimmering copper tone, “Mary Farell’s” auburn twists that ranged from the darkest reds to bright crimson curls- witches, they were. Damned witches. 

A redheaded witch in black business casual stood at the foot of Umi’s hospital bed, eating her jello off the mint-green tray, “Well, what did your superior say?” 

Did this mean Umi had failed; this alliance with a strange American woman forged in getting her ass completely kicked, having her information stolen, two years into a case with only nerve damage to show for it? Or was it better this way, to finally have someone she could talk to about the secrets Umi had collected in her heart? “They said yes. We’ll be sharing information. Kurosawa said it’s okay if you…” Umi sighed, “If you wanted to be assigned to the case as well. She said it was already approved by our people and yours.”  
  
Mary licked the plastic spoon with maddening slowness before speaking. Was she doing this just to be annoying? “PSIA usually plays nice with us. You will too, won’t you Umi-chan? I’m hoping we’ll work well together.” 

Umi’s sides hurt, hands hurt, head hurt. 

“Any help is appreciated in such circumstances.” 

“Get better quickly. We have a lot of ground to cover and a lot of scientists to wrangle.” 

With Kotori and Mary’s occasional visits and the flow of doctors and nurses and people in suits asking her questions, Umi was never alone except when she slept. Kotori did not question Mary’s presence, although she understood she could not know anything beyond “government work.” To Umi’s annoyance, they got along as they watched TV or pestered the doctors on Umi’s behalf. Kotori asked would ask about something- what kind of heels are those, what product do you use with your hair, how do you get such nice eyelashes- and suddenly Mary would light up with a knowledge that rivaled Kotori’s on the intricacies of feminine decoration. Umi had kicked them out a few times. It was hard to see Kotori laugh, at times, when Kotori hadn’t laughed so long with Umi. Was it worse to be surrounded by people or alone? Umi did not know. 

Painkillers were a haze. In the hours between sleep and waking, obsessive thoughts chased each other. It was a delirium. Failed: betrayal, betrayer, betrayed. Minutes would leap back and forth on the TV channel that listed the programs; light blue blocks falling into place and reverted from English to Japanese to English. Yebat' menya, yebat' menya, yebat' menya in alto cries. Umi reached for a hand and felt nothing. True rest did not come until the sun came up and she had to put the blankets over her face. 

 

“She was your friend, wasn’t she?” 

Umi didn’t look at Mary as she flipped the channel from The L Word to Ultimate Warrior, “Don’t you have actual assignments to be working on?” 

Mary rolled her flawlessly cat-eyed blue eyes. Why was she so damned nosey? “You can’t carry it around forever. These things happen. It comes in the line of business. Sometimes you’ll be on different sides,” There was an expression close to pity on Mary’s face. A cold fire burned in Umi’s heart. What did some American special agent know about what she was going through? 

“It’s a personal matter.” 

“Personal matters can get you killed if you’re not careful. It seems like you already got close. I’ve seen the reports. She didn’t take it easy on you.”

“Whatever.” 

“Okay kiddo… I’m going to get Italian with Kotori-chan and some friends in Brooklyn, you want me to bring you back some garlic bread or something?” 

Bread. That’s all Umi needed right now. And who the hell was Kotori hanging out with now? “I’ll be quite fine without.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a lot of characters in this that are cameos from other shows- sono chieri is probably the most notable- but they mostly exist because i feel like it's more fun than making up generic OC's? almost none of them mean anything beyond the role they play in the story. "mary farell" is an alias but it really does not matter who she actually is other than i needed a cool special forces character. 
> 
> (originally i was going to use Yuuko from AKB0048 or Tsubasa from LL! as the special forces character but i thought this would be more fun)


	20. Honks in the Honkmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maki wonders what's going on in Honoka's head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implied sex 
> 
> (probs not my strongest chapter but i think doing short chapters when the mood strikes vs waiting for longer chapters is better tbh)
> 
> at one point this was supposed to be hard science fiction. rip in pepperonis my dreams 6/16-12/16

CHAPTER 20  
MAKI 

In retrospect, Maki probably should have paid more attention to the meteor. 

But how could she pay attention to anything but her beautiful, loving, adoring girlfriend? What were a few shifty glances and quickly hidden papers, when she’d found someone who seemed to whole-heartedly care for her? A few secrets were nothing, she decided one evening- watching Honoka sleep over her desk, when happiness seemed to finally be hers to take. 

So what if Honoka had changed her life goals so much from when they’d met again? Surely Honoka had her reasons. Someday she would tell Maki. When she was ready.  
Maki knew these things: that space rocks weren’t supposed to glow, that Honoka had not been a good student as a high schooler, that sometimes things felt… wrong in ways she couldn’t quite pinpoint. Conversations seemed to repeat sometimes. The occasional odd sinking feelings of despair when she watched the night sky had grown, and Maki began to wonder if impending doom was a normal feeling of Seasonal Affective Disorder. She felt as though there was no world beyond the cloister of college at times, and when they graduated, they would simply disappear like mists into the air. 

 

The nightmares began shortly after the semester had begun. 

In the dreams, Maki was always alone. Sometimes she dreamt she was on a rocky beach, other times she was in a city, with fires in the distance. She would hear voices beneath the sea, muffled bangs somewhere beyond; but no true words. There had been people there before, she knew. With her. But now she was alone. A panic rose in her chest. Alone. The way she’d been, before she’d met all her friends, before when she lived with her family- 

“Hey. Maki. Maki!” 

Maki heard a voice from somewhere. 

“Wake up, Maki.” 

Somewhere across the bay, Maki saw a figure on the water. Green light rose from the waves and the face was half revealed, a girl’s face, a pretty face illuminated in verdant light, the face was turning- 

“Maki, it’s okay, I’m here-”

Blue eyes met hers before she woke with a start. 

Her bed, her bedsheets tangled over her legs, a heavy coat of sweat on her shoulders. It was still dark and only suggestions of objects could be seen in the low light. 

“Maki, hey…” Honoka’s hand was grasping hers, “You were calling out. You okay?”

Maki shook her head. The scene played over and over in her head: the beach, the gunshots, the figure; something about it was so familiar, as if she’d been there before. Another world lodged in hazed memory, it seemed. 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

Maki shook her head again, laying her head on Honoka’s chest. How could she possibly explain such a thing? 

“It’s okay, it’s okay…” Did Honoka notice her shaking? She didn’t say anything, but placed one arm around her, “It’s just a bad dream, it can’t hurt you…” 

“I just… I’m sorry if I woke you up, Honoka…” 

Honoka kissed the top of her forehead, surely tasting salt. “Maki. It’s okay. I am your girlfriend you know; I’m supposed to do these things. Try to go back to sleep.” 

“I don’t ever want to go to sleep ever again.” It wasn’t as if it were scary, exactly. But that feeling of alone-ness, that awful wounded feeling in her chest when she remembered  
kneeling on the coarse grains of sand, watching the waters rise above her head, the taste of ash and the sting of coldness- 

Honoka held her, not saying anything for a few minutes. She hummed, stroking Maki’s hair, rubbing her back. Her smell relaxed Maki, fresh and cirtrus-y as always. She tried not to let the images play in her head. No green lights. No strange girls on top of oceans. Just her and Honoka, together, wrapped up in each other. Nothing else needed to exist. They stayed like that for a while, Honoka humming, Maki letting herself be held until the thoughts were a trickle rather than a torrent. 

Maki kissed Honoka first- really kissed her, with soft and open lips, with her thighs clenching around Honoka’s leg. Honoka reciprocated with warmth out of instinct, but quickly drew back. 

“Maki, are you sure you want to…” 

“Please.” She turned away, not wanting to meet Honoka’s eyes, “I don’t want to think tonight.” 

At the “please” Honoka smiled despite herself- it was their word, to signal the beginning of… certain… situations like this. But Maki could see the calculations in Honoka’s head, worrying about her. 

“Are you sure you’re sure?” 

“Of course I’m sure,” Maki moved down the bed, perching herself above Honoka. She put hands on each knee and moved upward slowly, “Do you want me to show you how sure I am?”

With Honoka’s sharp intake of breath Maki knew she’d won, and with trailing fingernails she grasped her victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> constructive criticism/feedback is always appreciated! 
> 
> (i can't afford an MFA pls)


	21. Nico Nico Nonsense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Mari discuss their future plans and Nico looks back on her relationship with Maki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rated R for Really Stupid (also sex mention) 
> 
> this is my roommate's fault

NICO 

Nico had done a lot of odd things in her short, strange life. She’d stolen french fries from underclassman. She’d won Love Live. She’d dated a tomato.  
That night, however, Nico had meet a new level of unreality. 

“Are… are you sure, Mari?” 

Mari twirled one finger- beautifully manicured- through her hair idly. Nico tried not to think of Maki and failed. Mari looked at her with sunshine eyes and smiled. “Well, YES, of course. We are INTIMATE, are we not? This is a perfect date opportunity. I would never leave my GAL PAL home.” 

Nico was never really sure when Mari was being ironic or not with that GAL PAL thing. 

“W-well, naturally you would take me, it’s… it’s just…” 

“It’s just a PREMIERE, Nico, everyone’s been to them,” Mari did not notice Nico’s incredulous expression or simply did not care, “Everyone would be happy to meet you. u’s is very  
popular in AMERICA, you know.” 

“M-Mari… we’re… we’re talking Hollywood here…” 

“You won Love Love, did you not? You’re an idol,” Mari kissed her hand, leaving a glittering pink stain on pale skin, “You are my idol.” 

Speech eluded Nico in that moment, and it was all she could do to nod at her INTIMATE… GAL PAL. (They had yet to truly define the relationship, but of course helicopter rides struck Nico as a very new and exciting step on the relationship escalator.) Mari led her to the terrace overlooking the rest of the hotel. It was a grand and shining hotel; the trees in the courtyard were always strung with lights that shone off the waters of the tiered glowing fountains. This was a dream, Nico thought. (Would the dream disappear when the dreamer woke?) There was no other way to explain how she got here, in the land of riches. The Ohara chain hotels made Maki’s home look like a scholarship student dorm. 

Mari looked down at the lights as if a goddess from her temple. The golden glow caught on her soap-opera dress, giving her a radiant look. It was a truly awesome sight- a woman outlined in pure light and color. An angel. Then she moved and the spell was broken, wrapping her arms around Nico. “Idols deserve the BEST, do we not?”  
Sometimes Nico forgot Mari had been in some other group. Aqours? They had won Love Live too. They were equals, of a sort. “You make a convincing argument.” 

If Nico’s friends had been here, she would have said something about how Nico was the number one idol in the world, and only the very best could satisfy her. That all treasures were truly hers, and that it was only her right as one who belonged among the heavens to claim all each and every bit of pleasure for herself. But here- in the face of someone who had actually led such a glorious shining lifestyle, Nico could not help but falter. (She supposed, with a glint of self-awareness, that perhaps this is why she could not help but rag on Maki the way she did; something inside her always felt inadequate around the younger girl.) 

“Imagine,” Mari said, voice low and faraway, “us together- SHINING in the spotlight. All eyes on us.” 

“I can’t wait for Tiger Beat to cover Japanese Paris Hilton and Nico Nico Nii Yazawa at a Disney movie premiere.” 

Mari pulled at Nico’s pigtails gently, the way she knew Nico liked. “The world will tremble at our feet.” 

*

“Nico Nico Nii for me, Nico.” 

Nico gulped. They’d been at this for an hour already and her brain felt like mush. Mari was on top of her again, hands pressing hers down onto the 1800 thread count sheets. The girl had strength, far more than Nico would have guessed, and Nico loved it. There was nothing fragile about Mari, never did she worry she was doing something wrong with her. Mari’s power engulfed her as a crushing wave swallowing her whole, and she relished each moment under. 

Mari kissed her neck, her throat with softness; her voice hard and commanding. “I want to hear your Nico Nico Nii, Nico. MOAN it for me,” She lifted her hands from Nico’s wrists, “Show me your deepest Nico.” 

Nico missed the pressure on her wrists, moaning a little when it stopped. Mari was shaking her head. It was hard not to be acutely aware of Mari; the way her legs were spread, the negligee that showed more than it hide, the gauzy material that accented the white lace underneath. Everything about Mari was shimmering and refined- Nico was merely naked- her simple nightshirt and underwear had been removed long ago.

“N-Nico nico nii.” 

“NO, NO,” Mari did the classic hand gesture, chest moving hypnotically under the see-through material, “Like this.” 

Trembling, Nico folded her middle and ring fingers into the true nico nico nii form. She raised her arms. Left up, right down. “Nico,” Left down, right up, “N-ico,” Left up, right down, “Nii.” 

Mari purred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so do i need to bump this up to mature or... 
> 
> technically my outline did have a nico chapter after a maki chapter


	22. Multi-Track Honking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maki goes for a train ride, hijinks ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative title: Happy Honk Train 
> 
> does anyone remember the town name for the college bc i don't lmao

CHAPTER 22 

MAKI 

Nothing interesting had ever happened in the town of Akisame before the latest cosmic improbability. It was a farming town with a college attached; and usually the most exciting event was the harvest festival which Maki had missed with a twenty-page paper waiting for her in the back of her mind. The college itself was good but very niche, primarily focusing on pre-med, but rarely winning any recognition beyond that. The other point of interest was the shrine- it had some historical significance- but it wasn’t enough to draw anyone beyond the odd pilgrim every other year. 

What had drawn Maki’s parents to the school was the full ride scholarship; and if pressured, would have admitted Akisame was very far away from ink-haired girls who showed up at their doorstep at strange hours, and the glow of music and idols. No distractions. 

Little did they know. 

In the coming colder days, Maki wasn’t the only person who felt they were in a fog. Professors would forget what they were doing. Students would find themselves in places they didn’t remember walking. Stored closed early. Classes were cancelled. Researchers came back from the crash site with pounding headaches and glazed over eyes. Unease hung over everyone, as if the tension were a heavy cloud ready to burst with rains. One student even transferred out. No one talked about the green lights that lit up the darkest parts of night, staining the sky like watercolor spreading on wet paper. 

 

Maki didn’t watch the countryside anymore, on her daily train trip into town. Everything was supposed to be dead and brown. She didn’t want to see tips of the trees still shimmering green with some mutant bioluminescence, on the corners of dried leaves. The landscape was not hers anymore. It was as if it were from a different time, a different land. Even the glass of the windows seemed tainted with a faint green film; although when she looked closer, she decided it must have been a trick of the imagination. 

Maki read. Some wizard book. Anything to put the reoccurring nightmares out of her head. Last night was pain. Pain like nothing she’d every imagined. Metal crunched. Bones snapped. Blood rushed out onto the water- Honoka had recommended the wizard book. It was some foreign series. Maki had never read it, and when Honoka had found out she’d forced Maki to download the first one as they sat in the restaurant. It was charming. She supposed. Not that she’d admit that to Honoka until she was forced to. Pages swiped quickly as the train went towards the school. Would the young wizard boy survive his trip into the forbidden forest- 

The train was slowing down. 

Maki stood up on autopilot; as she always did at the third stop after she got on. 

But the train did not stop, instead blaring its horn like an alarm, and Maki stumbled against the window as it moved forward. Unfamiliar houses passed by, awaiting passengers at unknown stations. Where were they? Suggestions of faces turned to contorted masks before they whipped behind the speeding vehicle.

“This isn’t the Akisame stop, is it?” Someone tapped her shoulder. An auburn woman looked at her worriedly, twisting her tan purse with one hand. 

“N-no. I don’t know where we are.”

Another long droning alarm sounded again. Maki winced. How hadn’t they stopped yet? It stopped somewhere 9:29-9:40ish, give or take five minutes either way. She shot a quick glance at her phone- 10:10. The horn was like a late clock, trying to wake the tardy sleeper. Her ears rang. Each blast pierced her. Other passengers whispered with pale faces, huddled together. 

A voice over the speaker requested that everyone remain calm, and to please stay in their seats.

Maki’s heart beat that much faster. Grey and green blurred together in the landscape. She sat down, gripping the edge of her seat. Somewhere lights were flashing, red lights- 

There was a horn; a wholly different horn with a sharper tone greeted them. 

The last thing Maki thought before impact was that she was going to miss seeing Honoka in Dr. A’s class-

 

It hurt. 

It was a white hot hurt. Burning. Her head was splitting. The world seemed red. Everything was red. Someone was trying to get her attention, someone reaching out and lifting her. Maki moaned. Her eyes barely opened, only seeing movement and colors. Shades stumbled unbalanced. Everything felt sideways. Sirens were going now. Maki was on her back. Maybe. Somehow she moved. Would her parents would be there? She laughed, trying to imagine her parents in such a small town. They would be mad at her, she thought. Honoka would be worried. 

 

Images flashed over her head. Mint masks. White ceilings. 

Darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "it would be stronger to end the chapter with your character blacking out" - roommate/long suffering beta 2017


	23. A Spy In The House of Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli awaits her orders, and reflects on past and present, especially her connection with PSIA agent Umi Sonoda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine this can go without saying, but: Eli and Umi do not have an especially healthy connection

ELI

 

Drinking was discouraged when Eli’s superiors were on such high alert, and Eli languished in the queen-sized bed of the hideout, wishing for something strong and bitter to take the edge off of her. She smoked. It danced upwards to the water-marked ceiling after she exhaled. Nozomi wouldn’t approve. Not that Nozomi would approve of any of this. How far did her girlfriend’s powers reach? Did she know? Surely she must know. 

Eli was stationed in Vorkuta for a few weeks. Security reasons. Who would look for her there? Not Umi. To be fair, no one would look there, given that Vorkuta was in the arctic circle and Eli’s work was predominantly in Moscow. Winter, in the arctic circle. The thought made Eli want to hit something, strike out with a bloody boiling fury inside her. Downtime was insufferable. She wanted to go back to Japan and lay in Nozomi’s bed- Eli could hardly call it her own bed anymore- and sleep and have Nozomi tease her again; stop being married to your job and marry me already, she’d say. Nozomi hadn’t joked like that in a long time. Eli wasn’t even sure she could quit. Not now, not when they were so close. Was it worth it? It wasn’t Eli’s place to question her authorities. She didn’t want to know what they were planning to do with the research she’d stolen. It was easier that way. Go here. Do this. Get this information. Eli could do what she was told. 

Now Eli was being told to wait until the information was processed. She called Nozomi, with her back on the bed and legs to the wall. No answer. She supposed she deserved that. She closed her eyes. Maybe she’d go to the bookstore tomorrow. Find something to do. 

-

The first time Eli and Umi met in America had been at a science conference a year and a half ago. Eli had been sent to look for promising young scientists, and was quite surprised to see Umi interrogating the very young man she’d been trying to scout on “a very prestigious scholarship” for Moscow State University. It had not appeared to be going well, as the man cowered behind the ornate hotel pillar, glasses askew and unfitting suit crumpling up, asking if he could just please get to his panel and be on his way.  
“Tell me more about these particles. Tell me what Dr. Mayfair has discovered. Let me speak to her. Personally.” Her English had gotten better, Eli noted.  
Umi’s appearance did not quite match her demeanor, under the dress pants and blazer was a band tee-shirt; and her blue hair was almost a shag- like Joan Jett, almost. (Nozomi had made Eli watch The Runaways more than once.) Eli tsked. When she went to these things, she always made sure to match her surroundings- business casual, laptop bag, fresh scrubbed college student eager to present her report of the different algae growths in North Eastern Vermont. 

“That is classified information! I am not to share these things!” 

Umi flashed some papers. “You are obstructing an investigation of PSIA and you will be dealt with accordingly if you do not share this information.” 

The boy stammered and started to talk about plancks and magnetic field irregulaties and multi-world theory and couldn’t he please just go now? Please?

PSIA. It wasn’t unreasonable, Eli guessed. She wasn’t really sure what she imagined Umi doing with her life after high school. But so soon? Maybe she’d passed college in a year. It wouldn’t be unthinkable for Umi. The boy produced a stab of pity in her that she did not quite understand, if only to swoop in and take him into the bosom of Mother Russia later. 

Eli spoke in Japanese. “Persuasive as ever, Umi.” 

Umi frowned. “Now is not a good-” she turned her head, amber eyes widened as she saw her former bandmate, “…Eli?” 

Sensing his interrogator’s distraction, the young man in the round glasses skirted off into the crowd of STEM majors. 

“Looked pretty serious there. Why didn’t you tell us you joined PSIA? Where’s the rest of the trio? I haven’t seen the others in months. I heard Nico and Maki are dating, ha.”  
There was a hostile expression on Umi’s face, with eyebrows furrowed over bagged eyes. Not exactly the expression she’d expected from her old friend. “You never saw this. What are you doing here?”

“Family business. Don’t ask.” 

“Family business that just so happens to bring you to the exact same conference I’m going to?”

Lies were easy for Eli. (She’d been lying all along, of course; her ballet was in fact a cover for… other, far more deadly physical training.) “They wanted to run some tests for their new line of machines. The model needs a very specific type of battery, and I was hoping to find someone who specialized in-”

“Alright, I get it. Just… don’t tell anyone else you saw me here.” 

“Keeping secrets from your girlfriend?” 

At that, Umi reddened, looking down. “She doesn’t need to know anything.”

“I see.” 

They went out for drinks, carrying on a stiff conversation that loosened as Umi kept downing glasses of wine. Eli almost felt bad, letting Umi spill her secrets like this. A secret project, assigned to work in America. She’d been scouted after she’d won an archery competition in high school her senior year. Umi was a very talented markswoman and PSIA hadn’t been the first to give her an offer, national teams had spoken to her as well. But Umi had been honored to accept PSIA and work for them. Not like Eli. Working for FSB had been an expectation since she was a child. To Umi’s credit, she didn’t tell Eli the exact details of what she was working on, but Eli could guess.  
In fact, Eli was sure they were competing for the same information. 

-

Despite the sub-artic temperatures, Eli went grocery store and picked up a pile of paperbacks along with granola bars and energy drinks. The woman at the register had recommended a spy thriller. Eli didn’t know whether to be amused or not. It was dark when she left and it was dark when she finished the first fantasy book. Her phone sat unbuzzed in the recesses of her pocket. To the next novel, then. The text strained her eyes as the night wore on. A headache inched closer and closer. It felt like a potentially bad one; the kind that left her curled up in the darkness with nothing but the smell of an abandoned house, abandoned lives. 9:30. The store was closed. She’d have to make due with a hot shower and inadequate painkillers. 

Miss you, she texted Nozomi, before stepping into the shower. 

-

Eli had not felt bad the first time she had slept with Umi. She’d gotten what she needed- a night alone with Umi’s briefcase, as Umi dozed in twisted covers of Eli’s hotel room. Umi had been following Dr. Mayfair’s work, and had made several attempts to speak with the woman before having received a restraining order; Dr. Mayfair had specialized in some very advanced physics, equal only to a Japanese doctor who was also ex-CERN- Eli could never remember her name- and had been investigation “residual effects” of seemingly supernatural phenomena. The report had gotten vague there, saying only that in the spring of 2015 something unexplainable had happened in New York City, and that while the initial event had been undocumented, efforts were being made to record and understand what remaining evidence was left.

There was the first tiny stab of guilt- remembering Nozomi’s encouragement before her performance, soothing her with soft words and American pizza. “You’ll do fine, Elichi. I promise. You’re the best fan-waver in America. I believe in you.” Eli shook her head. It wasn’t as if she’d slept with Umi because she’d felt anything beyond a passing attraction for the younger girl. (If it’d been anyone, it would have been Honoka, not that she’d ever admit that except under gunpoint.) She’d called Nozomi out in the hotel lobby, wanting to hear Nozomi’s voice before she got into bed with her underclassman. She told Nozomi she was going to bring her back all kinds of souvenirs, that they were going to spend Christmas in New York someday. Nozomi laughed and asked if they could visit the zoo; Eli told her they absolutely would, and there was a panda exhibit she needed to see as soon as possible. Back when Eli believed that. Back when Nozomi believed her. 

-

It was in the frozen bowels of night when Eli’s phone went off, when Eli edged between half-awareness and a deep dreamless sleep. It was a brusque thick voice; the same coarse voice she’d been talking to since it all began. 

“Agent Kairos. We have a code orange. An incident occurred in Japan. Very similar to the case in New York three years ago. We have some people on the ground there, but they need you. You have the most experience. Kyushu. Akisame.”

“Beating up more scientists, right?” 

“Pressuring them would be preferred, Kairos. It's the Norn. " 

“Da.” She hung up. 

Would Umi get there first this time? Eli almost wished she would. Let someone else carry the burden for awhile. 

-

The second time Eli had slept with Umi had been after three weeks in the field in Russia on an unrelated mission. She’d found the girl sleeping in an airport in Chicago- where Eli’s contact for the mission had been. Umi was warier that time, waking up to a prodding woman on a hard airport seat.

“How’s your band doing?” 

“That’s none of your business.”

“I heard you guys on the radio last time I was in the states. You got a better band name, right? The DJ was cracking up when he announced your name.” 

“What do you want?” 

Eli and Umi had not corresponded since the first time, and Eli could only assume a guilty conscience. Or rather, Eli had given a few texts before assuming the girl wanted nothing to do with her, and had given up. Fine with her. It certainly made her life less complicated. 

“Just wanted to say hello. I don’t get to see anyone besides Nozomi and Nico.” 

“Did you tell Nozomi?” 

That stung. “We have an understanding with these things.” Eli had played the conversation in her head more than once: Sorry I ate out Umi Sonoda, I only did it to steal her  
research for my secret spy job. By the way, the Japanese and American government would probably execute me if given the chance. How do you feel about unethical non-monogamy in the name of patriotism for a different country that is working against your own?

“I see.” 

After much prodding, Eli had gleaned that things were not going well- not to Eli’s surprise, the girl was not the best secret service agent to have given her as much information as she did- and was being pressured at work to achieve more, get results faster, and Umi struggled to come up with anything. Umi had started crying as her gate was called, and Eli decided to play the role of the understanding senpai and comfort her. Sliding into roles was easy for Eli. She was constantly uneasy with herself. How much simpler it was to be someone else, to become a set of behaviors and acquired speech habits. 

When Umi was self-deprecating, Eli provided a gentle word, when Umi disparaged her band mates, Eli nodded in sympathy, spurring her on to spill more and more. Umi was preoccupied with Honoka that day, telling Eli things far more intimate than she ever would have guessed; how Honoka lacked discipline in her daily routines, how close Honoka and Kotori had gotten, how Honoka had started to withdraw her affection from Umi, sometimes sleeping on her own rather than with Umi and Kotori, as if she couldn’t bear to be in the same bed as her. It infuriated her. 

Why Eli sought comfort-or comforting- from Umi, she didn’t know. She had done things; new things that she wasn’t comfortable with in those past weeks. Hurt people who didn’t need to be hurt. Seen things she couldn’t get out of her mind. How could Nozomi accept the person she’d become? She couldn’t go home. Not right away.  
After Umi’s last remark, they didn’t say anything for a few moments. Strangers gave them passing glances and Eli felt the urge to move their conversation to somewhere else. “You want to get dinner?” 

“Okay. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything with you.” 

“Of course.” Eli did not ask whether Kotori and Honoka would miss her, or if she needed to be back by a certain hour. She already knew the answer. 

Umi was hung-strung when they got back to Eli’s hotel, shuffling nervously towards the bed closest to the door. She had several glasses of wine at dinner, and after watching Umi down the third glass, Eli had begun to drink in earnest as well. Eli sat down on the other bed, watching Umi fidget, bare calves crossing and uncrossing over the gold comforter. (As if Umi hadn’t been pressing those legs against her the whole time under the table; hadn’t been stiffly groping her arms in the cab, rigid hands kneading Eli’s collarbone.) 

“They hate me, you know.” 

The room was spinning a little, and it took Eli a few seconds to respond. “Nobody hates you, Umi.” 

In fact, Eli was rather grateful how much Umi had contributed to the New York case.

“They do! Kotori…” There was a tug in Umi’s voice, “It’s not the same anymore.” 

Eli tried not to think of Nozomi, how Eli had changed for the worse. How when she got back, her hands would have been touched with something she could never wash off. She wondered if Nozomi could see the blood. “Shhh. They’ll understand. If you just tell them the truth…” Hypocrite, she thought, try taking your own advice, “They’ll accept you. Because they love you.” 

“Can… can you come here?” Umi’s voice was strained, desperate, “I want…” 

With slow, deliberate steps, Eli stood over Umi, shoulders thrown back, undoubtedly giving her a nice view of the curves her dress did little to hide, “Tell me what you want.” 

“Let me… let me touch you,” Shaking hands on Eli’s hips, cracking voice from Umi’s throat. A hurricane, Eli thought, inside a girl, ready to flood her. Umi’s eyelashes fluttered, cheeks reddened and dewy, as if she had been crying. “I want to feel someone.” 

“You may touch me, Umi.” 

Umi’s gropings were nothing like Nozomi’s; Nozomi, who would have kissed her behind the neck with soft lips, dipped her hands between Eli’s legs, ran her fingers over the swell of her breasts before beginning to touch Eli in earnest. Nozomi would have whispered Elichi, told her how beautiful she was, how lucky she was to have her. No, Umi was never going to be Nozomi. 

 

It was only when Eli had left for London that she had noticed her flashdrive missing. She was almost amused. Umi had learned to play the game. It was really a shame that Eli was going to have to take her seriously now. 

-

++

Eli would go to Sapphoro first, she decided, before going to Akisame. Her best equipment was there, she rationalized, and she would get a hearty send-off from her friends at the embassy, perhaps with some new toys to play with. She tried not to think about Nozomi. Of course, she'd see Nozomi. But. God. Eli knew what completing this mission meant. 

The rest of the world would soon find out, in one final shrieking blow to reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies to any spies or secret service agents who read this i am a simple person whose only working knowing of these organizations is from the x-files and hasty wikipedia checks


	24. Watashitachi wa Mirai no Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umi finds what she's been searching for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 pages!!

Dr. Mayfair’s office was in a brick building in New York, close to the park. It was a nice building with stained glass and an iron fence, and it was visible across the park. With each passing step, Umi got a little more nervous. Umi was a ball of nerves and caffeine. It’d been months since she’d been in the field. 

Mary read the dossier as they jostled through the crowd in the chilled air, her voice thick with incredulity as she got further and further down the page. “There have been reports of temporal irregularities throughout New York City, starting in April of 2015. Most recorded observations have been near Broadway, and several complaints have been made regarding the shows and show times,” Mary snorted, “In one incident, a soprano showed up two hours late with no recollection of where she had been. The incidents have decreased in intensity and regularity as time has gone on. It is believed an event triggered this rather than any natural occurrence happening. Please locate the trigger before anyone else can access this information.” 

Umi sipped at her coffee. It tasted like bitterness condensed into a small 16-oz container. Somewhere, a girl was playing an electric piano. Umi’s nose twitched. “Do you have an issue, Agent Farell?” 

She didn’t respond for a few moments, and only the gentle melody of the piano answered for a moment. “It’s very odd that they sent us and not someone with more scientific background on this,” Mary’s attention suddenly became very focused on her flawless red nails, “Maybe they just need the firepower. I don’t know. I’ve seen the hard data and I still have trouble believing this, to be honest. It just doesn’t seem possible.” 

A memory flashed in Umi’s mind: a moment that couldn’t have- shouldn’t have been, with shaking hands and whispers in the alley, two voices that could not possibly exist at once, an impossible conversation- “We’ll see.” 

Umi followed Mary down the street, ignoring the girl singing at her piano, no matter how beautiful the song. 

///

Dr. Mayfair was not in, they were told. A rumpled woman with bags under her eyes had answered the door, stepping back warily as Mary and Umi ungraciously barged in the building. Another grad student, Umi thought. She put down her coffee on a whirling machine and reached for the gun under her blazer. “Shall I do this the easy way or the hard way?”

The student looked at Umi, hand reaching for a weapon, with her cold dead eyes and shrugged. 

Mary gave her a look. “Umi, you haven’t even tried the easy way yet.” 

“Come again?” 

“We can leave a message for her. We can ask if this nice young lady knows the information we’re looking for. We just need the address, yes?” 

The student sat down at her desk and began rummaging through papers and vials of green liquid. She was quite apathetic to the potential of a gun under a strange woman’s coat. “Naw. I’ve seen you before. Dr. Mayfair has a restraining order against you. I better call…” 

Umi’s fingers itched at the weapon, not quite out of its holster. 

There was a sudden ringing. Umi jumped. Almost glibly, as if Umi wasn’t about to threaten someone with physical violence, Mary picked up her phone with her best professional voice. “Yes? Yes, we’re working on it. Okay. Okay. Yes. We’ll be there as soon as possible,” She hung up, “Umi, our timeline has been moved forward. We have to wrap this up. Kid, I’ll pay you $1000 if you give me that information.” 

Leaning back on the swivel chair, the student shook her head. “That doesn’t even pay my rent for this month.” 

Mary sighed. “$5000.” 

“I know who you’re looking for.” The student was looking them in the eyes now. As if she had already seen death and thought of them as inconsequential fleas that only brought death seconds faster when the world itself was tipping into hell. “I know why you’re looking for her. Pony up, I got loans to pay off. $70,000.” 

To Umi’s surprise, Mary laughed and started looking through her purse. “Alright, kid. Is a check alright? You’re blowing my budget here.” For the first time, the student gaped at them with wide eyes, unbelieving. Mary winked at her. “You should come work for us, kid, okay? Here’s my card.” 

/// 

The target was in Ohio. They’d flown from New York to a small airport, but it was still a two hour drive to the tiny little roadside stop in the middle of nowhere. 

Ohio was never a state Umi had paid particular attention to. Three Salty Birds had travelled through it once or twice, but Umi had spent more time navigating the roads than looking at the scenery. Now that there was nothing to do but look at Ohio scenery, Umi was developing a newfound appreciation for states that weren’t Ohio. There was corn. It was flat. Sometimes there were small drab buildings at the side of the road. She had never especially cared about corn one way or another, but after half an hour of a corn hallway, she did not feel the need to eat it any time soon. 

She and Mary didn’t talk. Or rather, Mary had made a few probing questions and Umi had turned on the rented car’s radio. 

Really, she missed Japan. Akihabara. Bright lights and crowded streets and food she’d grown up with and trees she knew the names of. It’d been over a year since she’d been home. Could she ask Kotori to just pick up and go? After they’d made a life here?

No, Umi thought, you had a mission and dragged Kotori along for the ride. This wasn’t her decision from the beginning. Honoka wanting to go on tour just made a good cover.

Nails dug into her palm. Of course Kotori would do anything for Honoka. Go anywhere for her. 

Not that she could say anything ever again. Ask for anything. Not after what she’d done with enough alcohol in her system. 

Gas stations began to mingle with the fields. Afternoon blended into evening. The sky dulled to a cold blue and Umi felt a chill in her bones. “So the target is a person?” 

“Yeah.” 

Mary lit a cigarette. “Do you know who?” 

Dead corn suddenly became very interesting to Umi. The way it wilted in the chill of the closing darkness. She studied it, with her nose pressing against the nice rented car window. She could write a song, she thought, about the way the corn contrasted against the unsaturated dusk. 

Mary turned down the radio to a hum. “Umi?” 

“Yes?” 

“Do you know who the target is?” 

Umi had seen her, really truly seen her, just once. 

Last year. It was in New York. Their last gig. They didn’t know that at the time. She’d known about the girl. She’d known how Honoka had become increasingly more mysterious, and had been meeting with someone at bars and parks when Honoka thought Kotori and Umi weren’t looking. Kotori had thought Honoka had met someone, and Umi did too at first. (Kotori said they couldn’t blame Honoka, for wanting someone she didn’t have to lie about. But Honoka was always going to have to lie about her.) 

Umi had never thought the girl would be the one she’d been looking for all along. That the girl was a part of the answer to the problem. How naïve she was, to think her bosses hadn’t been aware of the situation all along. 

“Does it matter?” 

“If there is relevant information that you’ve been withholding, yes.” 

“I hardly believe it myself.” 

Ash of the cigarette blew out the window into the cold grey twilight. Mary was washed out under the moonlight “I’m going to need a drink when I’m done with this case… we’re almost there, want an energy bar or something? There’s snacks in my purse.” 

Umi scoffed. “Sugary stuff like that will make you fat.” 

Mary made direct eye contact with Umi as she pulled out an energy bar, broke the wrapper with her teeth, and ate the bar in two bites. 

They turned off at a lonely exit. Cauliflower Junction, the road sign said. The road got noticeably narrower and bumpier as the bare trees crowded around them. Run down houses with glaring blue windows grew up from the underbrush of dead bushes and small farms. 

“Is this it?” Umi watched as a group of deer passed the car over cracked pavement. Their eyes glowed in the darkness. Judging. As if they knew what Umi and Mary were doing was going to go against nature. 

“I could be wrong. Got a Cauliflower Junction in every state.” 

They sat in silence again, as the car crept forward with only the GPS spitting directions. There was nothing to see. Main street on a Sunday night. Dark buildings, empty gas stations, parking lots with broken trucks. Only a single flashing green light in the center of town gave any true indication of life. Even the solitary McDonald’s lights were dimmed out (except for the lower case “d.”) The GPS directed them to a road off main street, with only a farmer supply store and apartments. “Your destination is on the left. You have arrived.” 

“Well,” Mary opened her door, “Let’s go.” 

“Mary. Hey,” Her stomach was fluttering, her mouth was dry, “What are we going to do when we find her?” 

“I’d prefer if you didn’t start off waving your gun at her.” 

“No, but… are we taking her into custody? Arresting her?” 

“I think that depends entirely what she has to say and what the director says when you get him up to date. C’mon,” Mary walked around the car and opened the door for Umi, “You’ve been waiting a long time for this, haven’t you?” 

Umi was shaking as they walked across the uneven sidewalk, past the tractor supply store to the single apartment in the back. Everything she had done had come to this. Lying to Kotori, lying to Honoka, getting into bed with Eli… was this worth it? The door plaque read 909. They stood in front of it. Music was blasting out of a brightly-lit window and there was a faint smell of something cooking. There was singing inside. Umi looked at Mary, pleading. Mary just looked right back at her. 

With trembling hands, Umi rapped her still-hurting fist on the door. 

“Coming!” A familiar yet not familiar voice called out. 

Umi wasn’t ready for the door to open. 

The woman was in her late twenties, at least. Taller than Umi, taller than Mary. She had long copper hair with a slight wave to it, kept under a black beanie. Bright blue eyes, same smile she’d always had. “Hello, I wasn’t expecting you until-” She started, seeing Umi. Her expression fell into genuine sadness, eyes weighted with a wisdom Umi had never noticed before. A knife cut through Umi; despite the coldness she told herself she’d built, that it was all Honoka’s fault, that she needed to come in with guns blazing. Her heart hurt. “Oh Umi. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” 

“Honoka, I….” 

“I guess you better come inside, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want you guys to know i've been saving mirai no honk for this exact scene since like july
> 
> apologies to any ohio readers of mine i just really hate driving through your state


	25. Honk School Confidential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanayo has a gallery showing with her adoring girlfriend along for the ride, and they catch up with an old friend who has a few answers. (Alcohol and tarot cards are involved.)
> 
> edited as of 7/23/2017 for hair continuity errors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took forever, school + perpetually being unhappy with chapters and writing new ones whenever i got stuck with one tends to uh, make things take longer. Hopefully some things will start to come together!
> 
> This will PROBABLY go between the Maki/Eli/Umi chapters after I finish the story in its entirety, as I kind of screwed up the pacing in attempt to finish it as fast as possible (lol)

Chapter 25: Honk School Confidential  
HANAYO 

  


Hanayo had not thrown up in the potted plant in the art gallery’s lobby; although she had wanted to, and as panic bloomed in her chest, she considered her options. Running was one, although she would have to weave her way through professors, peers, rivals, the snooty perfect realism girl from figure drawing II, and several abstract sculptures of in the reception area. Hiding in the bathroom was another one. It was nice bathroom, if a little too modern for her tastes; as the toilet flushed, it would recite random lines from poems in a stilted electronic tone. Dying on the spot seemed the most appealing. Her heart was pounding fast enough to have a heart attack, anyways.  
  
Hanayo wasn’t the best artist in her class. Not by a long shot. No one had ever said anything to her, of course, but she could still feel the eyes of the other students. Middling. Average. An ex idol fallen into unwarranted fame. That was what they must be thinking. There was no way that this could be happening to her. How much hubris did she have? Couldn’t she stop seeking attention by now?  
  
A freshman getting a gallery show was ridiculous, after all.  
  
She’d started drawing in earnest after u’s disbanded. There was a void to fill. She did mostly figure drawing and fashion at first, sometimes referencing an A-RISE spread or the next newest idol group’s get ups. One ink drawing was even in the show; a black and white silhouette of Tsubasa. (The gallery owner had loved the stark negative space and the use of lines, even if it didn’t fit with the rest of the works.) But she’d branched out into strange landscapes and dark portraits soon after the first big painting she’d did.  
  
There was something monumental about that painting, that she’d done her second year of high school. On the surface, it was a large painting of two girls holding hands. Hanayo had done it to practice oils, since she’d used predominantly acrylic paints. It should have been an ordinary work done in the old clubroom. At least, until it wasn’t. Something clicked in her brain, when she’d laid out the underpainting. Her initial color scheme was wrong, all wrong. It was to be a drizzled gray background, soft shadows, the girls’ hands entwinned, one must have a ring; it was as if some inner voice was asserting the platonic ideal of what this painting was meant to be. She lost herself in it for a few days, blindly following a half-dreamt outline, hardly sleeping or eating until it was finished. There was no painting anymore in her mind, it was mere pigment slapped on by a ghost-guided hand.  
  
When Rin had seen it in the club room, she’d asked Hanayo if that was supposed to be her.  
  
Hanayo had protested.  
  
“Look, nya,” Rin took out her cell phone and pointed to the background, a picture of Hanayo smiling sweetly, “Look how the lips are, you have the same smile. And the eyes of that girl are like yours, too. And you’re both so cute!”  
  
“B-b-but…”  
  
“Is that me?” Rin gestured to the second girl, who, to Hanayo’s 32-hours-of-no-sleep-brain, had merely been a random girl with random clothes and a random pose. She squinted. Maybe the girl’s thighs were a bit muscular. Maybe she might have borrowed the nose unwittingly. Maybe that purple shade she’d mixed might have been a bit red for the hair.  
  
“I… might… have…”  
  
“Oh, are you going to buy me a ring like this? It’s so cute, nya!”  
  
After that incident (and a few paychecks towards a very nice ring for Rin) Hanayo had found herself drawn to strange places and melancholic portraits. Her style became dark, with muted colors and heavy strokes, trying to depict a reality she herself was foreign to. It was a hit with the art schools and teachers; she was praised for the maturity of her work: the expressions of the outline of dim sunshine over a piece of driftwood, a faint streak over color over a starry sky, the press of indigo lips to clear plastic. Only Rin worried at times, looking at the monochrome portraits and ruined landscapes. Hanayo had told her not to worry, that artists were just gloomy like that. Although she wondered still, what exactly she was trying to capture.  
  
  
  
///  
  
  
  
“Are you alright, Kayochin?” Rin had dressed up for the opening night; more so than Hanayo, really, in a gray sweater dress and boots, hair pinned into a handsome up do. She’d gotten taller, more muscular, her face narrow and intense. Hanayo had seen Rin her whole life, and yet every time she saw her girlfriend, it was as if she was seeing a vision of beauty and strength.  
  
  
Hanayo shook her head at her girlfriend’s question. She was not alright.  
  
Rin took her hand and gave her a smile. the kind that had meant the most to Hanayo; with warmth reaching to her chartreuse eyes that never wavered in their conviction. It was a smile of encouragement, saying, you can do it, believe in me. If Hanayo would just believe. The gallery and the public faded away, only leaving Rin under the bright lights.  
She squeezed Rin’s hand.  
  
“Wanna get something to eat, nya? Someone had snacks over by your scary painting. Let’s go!”  
  
Unaware of the strict professors and snobbish assholes that lined her path, Rin pushed through the group and next to the ocean painting. There were in fact snacks, meat pastries and sweets, and Hanayo helped herself to the strawberry donuts with the special icing. It was her art showing and she was going to eat that messy, sprinkle-covered donut, snooty perfect realism girl from figure drawing II be damned.  
  
“How come…” The donut was perfect, with sweetness and tartness in perfect synch, “How come you think that painting is scary, Rin?”  
  
Rin, mouth full, just waved at the painting with a fierce expression.  
A dark-haired woman stood before the oil painting, as if in a trance. Her hand was out— a single ring on her finger, hovering inches above the textured waves. There was something distinctly familiar about her; with voluminous waves down to the waist and a resigned posture. The woman had curves that Hanayo both envied and admired; did she want to be her or did she just want to draw her? There was something defeated in the sloping shoulders and a lone sigh. It was… evocative. It was as if the woman belonged on that beach, with her hand stretched out to touch the waves.  
  
With a clack of heels on the checkered floor, the woman turned around and smiled, her teal eyes bright with familiarity. “You’ve become a wonderful painter, Hanayo.”  
  
“N-Nozomi?”  
  
She was older now. An adult, Hanayo took in, who clutched a practical-looking handbag, with one hand, as if it were a buoy; with her hair artfully braided out of her face and down her back, make-up tastefully done. Mature. Beautiful. A real live adult.  
  
“Nozomi!” Rin bounded forward unquestioning, springing into a hug on the older girl. “I missed you so much!”  
  
“I missed you too.” Nozomi motioned for Hanayo to join the hug, and Hanayo did; she smelled the same after all these years— chamomile and lavender, faint vanilla. “I missed you guys a lot.”  
  
“We missed you too! It’s so cool that you’re in town! Is Eli with you? Let’s go do something all together! Do you wanna see the cool painting Kayochin did, it kinda looks like me and it’s super cool. Kayochin is the best! She’s a beautiful artist.” Hanayo flushed, as she flushed on a daily basis when Rin said these things to everyone from professors to cashiers. “There’s a ramen bar a few blocks away, but if you guys want something else we can get that too, let’s let Kayochin decide, it’s her big day!”  
  
“Oh my, well, Eli isn’t with me, but we can go wherever Hanayo wants.”  
  
“Aww, is she working?”  
  
Nozomi didn’t look at them for a moment, eyes lingering on the ocean painting again. “Yeah. She’s working.”  
  
“Boo! I wanna see her too. So uh, what do you wanna do, Nozomi?”  
  
“I did come for the art show, you know.” She winked at Hanayo. “I would like to look at a few more things before we leave.”  
  
Hanayo shifted from foot to foot, having let herself lean on one for too long. “I-I’m surprised you heard about it. I m-mean, it’s not a super big deal. I’m glad you like it though. It’s great to see you.”  
  
“Rin told me.” She stuck out her tongue at the girls. “It’s not every day one of us have a big show like this, you know. Let me know when Rin’s games are too, okay?”  
  
An image of Nozomi and Eli cheering Rin on in the stands appeared in Hanayo’s mind: Eli standing up and clapping every time Rin scored and Nozomi bringing hot tea for everyone when it got cold out. “I’d like that, Nozomi.”  
  
“Yeah, you guys should all come watch me hit stuff, and then we can all hangout afterwards!”  
  
“Just like old times.” Her voice was quiet. “Anyways, tell me about this painting, Hanayo. I haven’t been able to stop looking at it since I got here.”  
  
“T-the ocean one?”  
  
“Yes. It’s beautiful. I think it’s your best piece.”  
  
The ocean painting had been done over the summer, one of her most recent ones. Just water and sand and sky, the shoreline detailed in silhouetted black shapes. A towering lighthouse pushed its way into the stormy clouds above. The ocean itself was abstracted into choppy waves that ranged from greys to seafoam. (By abstracted, what she meant was a gestural mess of aggressive, random brushstrokes and slaps of paint.)  
  
“Uh, um, the professor wanted us to do a landscape painting, and uh… I did this.”  
  
“Isn’t it kinda creepy?”  
  
“A little.” Nozomi’s expression was utterly neutral, as if she were reciting a paper to the student council. “What was the inspiration for it?”  
  
At this Hanayo felt herself reddening again. “It’s… it’s very silly…”  
  
“I do read fortunes for a living, Hanayo.” Her eyes softened as she spoke. “I believe in a lot of things.”  
  
“Yeah, I bet it’ll be cool! Did you base it off a horror story?”  
  
“Okay, well, um…” She’d told her classmates it’d been taken from a photograph. That was… half true. She’d found the photo on google images, when she’d been working on her driftwood piece. The explanation didn’t account for vivid dreams imprinted in her head every morning, following her from the bedroom to the studio, the endless searching for that coastline, which yielded nothing but false leads, or how after the painting was done, the webpage hosting the image had been shut down. “I saw a photo and… well, I got really bad deju vu, so uh, it was inspiration. I guess. I’ve never been there. It just felt like I had.”  
  
“Aww, that wasn’t weird at all, Kayochin! I wanted a horror story. That’s too serious.”  
  
Nozomi nodded, her blue-green eyes wide. “Do you know where it was? It is a very striking shoreline.”  
  
“I have no idea. South, maybe. I’ve looked a few times.” She shivered. It felt wrong, talking about it. Like she’d told a friend’s secret.  
  
“Actually…” Rin stared at it again.  
  
“Do you remember something?” There was an expectation in Nozomi’s voice, to say something, discover something, although Hanayo could not possibly figure out what that vague expectation was.  
  
Rin shook her head. “Nyaa!” She did her kitty pose, drawing a few looks from the crowd. “Art is too serious. Let’s go look at that big rice ball painting.” 

 

///

 

The heavily rice themed restaurant had been a warm sanctuary from the chill autumn air, and even as the night wound down to only three girls in a low booth, who still ordered snacks and drinks every half hour. They had gone a little overboard, but Hanayo had sold one of her paintings that evening, the night sky piece, and she’d been more than happy to try each new cocktail the waitress suggested. They had been exuberant after a few drinks; with Nozomi teasing Rin and Hanayo, Hanayo still glowing after the sale, and Rin snuggled up to Hanayo with a buzzed affection. Nozomi seemed to let go, for a moment, when she’d told them about the customer asking for a fortune for their pomeranian, and how the couple down the street had wanted astrology charts done for their entire polyamorous molecule. “The pomeranian was actually quite a lucky dog. She was going to be meeting the love of her life very soon. There were big career changes coming up for her, too. Dingo was going places.”  
  
“Woowwww. I didn’t know dogs could be in love. Did she? Did the owner tell you if Dingo fell in love?”  
  
“I don’t know, but a cute little shiba inu moved in next door the week after.” Nozomi was grinning ear to ear as she told them, with her seer’s voice. “Their love was written in the stars.”  
  
Rin’s eyes were as wide as Nozomi’s smile. “You really are a psychic.”  
  
Rin had nodded off on Hanayo’s shoulder after a few hours. It was then that Nozomi had suggested shots; something with tequila, something with sugar along the rim. Hanayo had a surprisingly high tolerance, even more so than Nozomi, and it was only after six drinks and four shots that she was starting to really feeling it. (Drinking was typically limited to critique days for Hanayo and Rin, and even then Hanayo rarely got drunk.)  
  
It was after the second cranberry-jaeger drink that Nozomi got a little weird.  
  
“Touch my cards, Hanayo.”  
  
“Um.”  
  
“Look.” Nozomi pulled out her deck, her narrow fingers caressing the smooth cardboard like a familiar lover, the way her index figure circled around the central knot of the card almost obscene. “They tell me everything.”  
  
“W-what do they tell you?”  
  
“They tell me…” She stared at the wall for a moment, then took a long sip of her drink. “About a storm. A big one. You can feel it too, can’t you?”  
  
Hanayo had no idea what Nozomi was talking about. “What… what are you talking about, Nozomi? Is something happening? I feel like something is happening.” If she let herself examine her thoughts, which she often tried to ignore, she knew something in her subconscious was unhappy. Something was down there. Something was wrong. It was screaming at her, taking her hands and cross-hatching their way to the surface, demanded to be remembered and-  
  
“The tower will be struck soon.”  
  
“The tower?”  
  
With a languid, tipsy grace, Nozomi knelt across the table, with a crystal pendant swinging on its silver chain over her dress, making a perfect, if somewhat uncomfortable focal point of her chest. She put forward a card. Illustrated was a tower behind a dark sky, struck by lightning. People were diving out, escaping the rising flames. “Most people are afraid of the death card. But death doesn’t actually mean death, you know. It means change. Change can mean anything, really. I always tell my clients not to fear death. The tower, on the other hand…”  
  
A jolt of coldness tingled up Hanayo’s spine. For some reason, just then she really wanted Nozomi to stop talking. “…does… does the tower mean death?”  
  
Nozomi gave her a loose, tipsy smile. “It means shit’s fucked.”  
  
Hanayo’s stomach dropped. This was bad. What the bad thing was, she could not say, but everything was suddenly Bad and Wrong. “I don’t…” Everything felt wrong. “Is something fucked?”  
  
Her laugh was a strange bark. “Not me, that’s for sure.”  
  
Was Eli not…? How did she even respond to that? “I.. um… I… I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay, Hanayo.” Nozomi sipped at her drink. “I don’t really have anything to say either. Don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Nozomi…”  
  
Rin snored into Hanayo’s sleeve.  
  
“Your ocean painting…” She pushed the card next to Hanayo’s emptied rice bowl. “Looks familiar, doesn’t it?”  
  
“Um…”  
  
“The clouds. The thunder. A tower struck by lightning. Do you remember how the waves rose and fell, how unforgiving the ocean was? Do you remember being pushed into the brine?”  
  
“I…” Had Hanayo felt her painting like that? She wanted to say no, but the hazy days of that summer still hung over her like a grey cloud ready to burst. The image still haunted her, when she let it. How could Nozomi possibly know that? Could she actually read minds? “I think we’re drunk, Nozomi.”  
  
Nozomi giggled. “I know something you don’t know.”  
  
Hanayo patted Nozomi’s head, eager for them to stop talking about art and weird feelings, which she had done entirely enough of for one year. “Uh huh.”  
  
“It’s good. I mean. You know. You know, right? You have to know. It’s so obvious.”  
  
“No?”  
  
“Rin would kill me though. If I told you.”  
  
Dare she hope? “What about Rin? Is she okay?”  
  
“She’s gonna be greattt… here let me read your fortune, okay?”  
  
“Um.”  
  
“Shuffle my cards. Here. Look at them. Feel them.”  
  
The cards felt like cards. She awkwardly shuffled through them, ungracefully spilling them onto the table a few times. Nozomi was undeterred by this, as if it were fate for the cards to narrowly miss a rice bowl. “For how long?”  
  
“Until it feels right. You will know. The cards respond to your feelings, your thoughts. They know.”  
  
“Uh.” How did cards communicate? Card on top of card, splitting them again and again. What did Nozomi want to tell her? One jumped out of her hands, the rest following suit onto the floor. She felt the vaguest sense of disdain irradiating from the cards. Sheepishly, she handed them back to Nozomi. “Here.”  
  
“We’re going to do a simple reading, okay?” She laid out three cards in front of Hanayo.  
  
“S-sure.”  
  
The first card was the sun. It looked rather cheery, with the sunflowers and the horse and the baby. “That’s good, right?”  
  
“Past. Happiness, success, fulfillment.”  
  
“…Love Live?”  
  
Nozomi gave her a smile. “Yes.”  
  
Hanayo supposed that was reasonable. “Okay.”  
  
The second card she flipped over was a guy carrying a bunch of sticks. “Present. Ten of wands. You’ve been working hard and have benefitted from it. But it may feel overwhelming for you. Does that apply to you?”  
  
“Y-yes.”  
  
“And now for the future…” Nozomi picked up the card, not letting Hanayo see it. A silence filled the room, as she stared at the card.  
  
This did not look good. “What? Am… am I getting married? Are Rin and I okay? She’s not going to get hurt, is she?”  
  
For a long moment, Nozomi said nothing. A spark of something, that had been kindled briefly in her eyes, had been put out. “It’s as I thought. Even with you two, who should be set in stone…”  
  
“What? What’s going on, Nozomi?”  
  
Nozomi threw down the card. It was the tower.  
  
“You can’t mean…”  
  
“Yes. It’s not you, Hanayo. It’s not even Rin. It’s not what’s supposed to happen.”  
  
“Are we going to be in an accident then? What’s going on?”  
  
Nozomi was too close again, her warm hand grasping Hanayo’s arm. Hanayo could smell the jaeger on her breath. Her voice was a stained velvet, beautiful and desperate and somehow dirty, whispering quietly into her ear like a drunken prophet. “Hanayo, the only card I’ve drawn for the future in a month has been the tower. For everyone. For me. For Eli. For the old couple down the street. Your fate has always been with Rin’s, and Rin’s with yours, from the first time I met you at Otonokizaka. You have always been meant to be together. If you were soul mates beyond lifetimes, I wouldn’t be surprised. Every time I ever looked, the two of you were together. I have gotten flashes of the future all of my life. I know these things.”  
  
“But then-”  
  
The grip of Nozomi’s fingers was beginning to hurt. “But those futures are erased, now. My fortunes are void.” Her voice was cracking. “Everything is void.”  
  
This couldn’t possibly be real, Hanayo told herself. There was no way. They were drunk. Nozomi was always a good storyteller, this couldn’t possibly be real… She wished she could ignore her intuition, her screaming subconscious, her half-awake heart, telling her that everything Nozomi was saying was true. Something in the back of her mind was clicking into place, making sense of what Nozomi was saying even if Hanayo herself was not. “How… how can that be? How do you know these things?”  
  
“You know. You’ve seen this happen before. You’ve seen the beach. You know what will become of this, when it all collapses.”  
  
Hanayo did know. She’d known all along, she just didn’t recognize it. “Nozomi…”  
  
“We won’t remember this. If we're lucky”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have been an art major for a year or two


	26. Menage A Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kotori sees an email she wasn't supposed to see, and memories of the past come up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kotori is SO HARD TO WRITE 
> 
> tw for unhealthy shit

 

 

Kotori hadn’t known.

On some level, maybe, the information now glaring on Umi’s laptop screen had occurred to her. Subconsciously. But she’d been happy to ignore it, happy to ignore the long sighs and late pacing, happy to ignore the occasional questioning from Umi as to where she was going that night, and who she would be with. Kotori had let these things slide, with Umi so stressed from work and a thousand unspoken conversations about the nature of their polyamorous relationship still weighing upon them.

She hadn’t opened up Umi’s laptop with the intention to spy. That’s what she told herself, anyways, as she had let her phone die at work all day. (It had been a relief, to get back to work, back to the farm, back to refining her designs after the llama stalls had been cleaned, after Umi had left to do god knew what with that American secret service agent. Kotori had liked Mary, possibly liked Mary more than Umi did, but it was still hard not to resent the women who was stealing away her girlfriend on some secret government job.) Rin had emailed her several ring designs she was considering, and had asked Kotori to look over them for her, unsure of materials would be best. _Would it be silly to use our Love Live colors for the stones, nyah?_  Kotori was not sure if she considered it tacky or not, but if someone had made a color-coded set up for Kotori, Umi, and Honoka when they all were dating, she probably would have gone for it at the time. Love did funny things to taste.

Kotori was just going to check her email, she told herself. As she tapped the keyboard waiting for the computer to start up, she studied the background. It was a picture of her and Umi; their awkward smiling faces in front of a boa constrictor exhibit. She remembered it had been taken shortly after Honoka had left. On that road trip after they left New York, after Honoka had said a teary goodbye with a muffled apology. It’d been a tense, uneasy trip, Kotori recalled, driving from roadside attraction to roadside attraction, all the while Umi grunting into her phone for work.

She clicked on the internet icon and a window with several tabs sprung up. Russian-to-Japanese dictionaries, graphs and equations, a confirmation of a flight to Japan, and Umi’s work email, that Kotori quickly clicked away from, but did not close. What could possibly be so important that Umi would lie to her, the way she did? What could have Honoka done to make this happen? She looked through her own email; Rin, her mother, Nico sending her emails with titles like VERY IMPORTANT and a single link that always ending up being a stupid remix of one of Kotori’s old singles, and fashion school responding to her inquiry.

It was after Kotori had begun to respond to Rin’s email- Kotori had liked the topaz and emerald designs, but thought the ring design itself was too flashy- that an email sprang up over Kotori’s browser window, its text bolded and colored and at least size 16 font, least Kotori even attempt let her eyes glaze over the contents.

 

 **HEY!!!!! SALT!!!!** Several excited, adorable star-eyed emojis followed this first line. (Whether this was in admiration for Umi, or deliberately aware of Umi’s disdain for cutesy emojis, Kotori was not sure.)

**!!!!!WE CRACKED THE LAST BIT OF THE CODE OFF THAT FLASHDRIVE. ARE YOU EXCITED?? I’M EXCITED. CHECK OUT THE FILES I ATTACHED. THIS IS CRAZY. GOOD THING YOU BANGED THAT RUSSIAN AGENT, HUH? REALLY TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM THERE. ;) TOO BAD SHE KICKED YOUR ASS AMIRIGHT??**

Kotori stopped breathing.

**WELL, HERE’S HOPING WE DON’T EXPLODE THE ATMOSPHERE OR WHATEVER. I DON’T REALLY GET THE DATA BUT KUROSAWA ANALYZED IT AND SAID YOU’D KNOW WHAT IT MEANT.**

**L8R**

**xoxo your favorite hacker**

**p.s. pls don’t end the world kthxbai**

 

 

 

///

 

            After Honoka had left to go back to Japan, Umi had announced she’d be staying in the States, and that she had found work as a hunter. Kotori had been doubtful that would have been steady work, but Umi insisted it would be enough to pay the bills, and had laid a pelt of an animal Kotori did not recognize on the hotel bed. “This goes for quite a lot of money. We’ll be eating brunch every day of the week at that sweet shop you like so much.”

            At the words sweets shop, Kotori winced. Umi pretended not to notice and continued. “There’s a little city in the state over. A range out there needs someone to give archery lessons sometimes, and there’s more than one boutique who could use someone like yourself.”

            “I… I don’t know. I miss being on tour.” They had not played any shows after Honoka left. “I miss…. all of us.”

            A hardness crept into Umi’s voice. “Do you want to go back to Japan too, Kotori?”

“I was… considering it. Leaving, at least” She’d been looking at art schools in Japan, France, the United Kingdom. (Not the States- an art school there was triple the cost of one of Paris’s best fashion schools, to Kotori’s amazement.)

“You don’t have to stay here. You can leave whenever you want.” Her face was like a stone, her voice smoothed out and flat . What did Umi think she was going to do, she wondered? Kotori tried to imagine Umi out here, all by herself. Umi would put on a brave face, of course. She would have never complained. But why would Umi want to stay here in the first place?

“No! I… I want to be here. With you. But…”

“But?”

“I just don’t understand why you would want to be in the States anyways.”

Umi sighed, and did not say anything for a few moments. She unwrapped the plastic hotel cup from its wrapper, the sound violent and irritating. Another sigh. With trembling hands, she twisted the knobs of the sink and poured herself a glass of water. “I…” She took a long sip. “I have a lot waiting for me back in Japan.”

“The dojo?”

“Yes!” The cup crinkled in her hands, water suddenly dripping onto the carpet. “It’s… it’s so much, Kotori. My father… Wouldn’t he be disappointed in me now? I… told him I’d wanted to further my music career, before coming back. He doesn’t know about you, or…” Shaking, she sat down next to Kotori. “He doesn’t know about anything.”

At that, a swell of pain rose in Kotori’s chest. Her father didn’t know. Why would he? They were adults. It wasn’t as Umi’s personal life was his business. And yet… well, she’d let a few things slip to her mother in her own emails, who had only responded with, “took you long enough.” Kotori had never heard Umi complain about inheriting a dojo, but then, Umi did not complain, unless it was about Honoka. “So… archery lessons and hunting in the States, then. Until you’re ready to go back.” She wondered if Umi was prolonging the inevitable, of telling her father about them, that she might have aspirations beyond what had been determined for her.  

“Yes.”

“And it shouldn’t be an issue, for now?”

Umi shook her head. “I haven’t asked.”

All of this was very strange, in Kotori’s opinion; Umi used to call her father every night, used to tell Kotori how honored she was to take over the dojo someday. But now did not seem like the time to press Umi, when she was opening up about it. “It’ll be okay, Umi. We’ll get through all of this together.”

Her girlfriend squeezed her hand. “We will.”  

 

///

           

At first, she hadn’t stopped speaking to Honoka over email. Was it wrong, to talk to Honoka when Umi had all but exiled her? The three of them had not defined their relationship, ever. They had been a nebulous cloud of feelings, with Honoka as the odd one out in public; Umi hardly could handle being with a girl, let alone two girls. Always, Kotori typed to Honoka with the laptop or phone facing away from Umi; always, with Umi’s eyes narrowed. It left Kotori with a guilty feeling, that she was somehow doing something wrong.   When Umi had been assaulted and went to the hospital, Kotori had more or less stopped emailing Honoka. It had been so hard, not to open up to Honoka, not to see Honoka’s name pop up in her email. But— there had been a distinct sense of secrecy, with Umi asking her not to tell Honoka anything about her work or what she was doing. (Too late, of course, Kotori had told Honoka all about the hunting job, the llama farm where they stayed; but after that, she hadn’t said much.)

They’d had a fight about Kotori talking to Honoka, on that road trip after New York, outside of the Route 66 Reptile House for Wayward Lizards. (Kotori still remembered the grafitti’d picnic benches; carved initials inside a heart; crossed out with brutal slashes of a red sharpie.) They’d fought, because Umi had caught her emailed a picture of a cute snake to Honoka.

Umi had gotten straight to the point, not even a minute out of the gift shop, their gelato gator cones not even dripping in the unseasonably warm evening. “Are you still talking to Honoka?” 

“Is… is that bad?” Whizzing cars roared past them, and Kotori had to raise her voice a little just to be heard, giving her an edge she didn’t mean for. (An edge she hadn’t meant to be heard, at least.)

“She’s…” Umi clenched her teeth. “You have no idea just how irresponsible she is, do you?”

“I…” This felt so incredibly unfair. One day Honoka was there, and the next she was gone. And Kotori had no control over any of it. “I don’t actually! You… wouldn’t tell me. I asked you. But you never told me what she did.”

“You know I wouldn’t lie to you. It was serious, Kotori. You should be glad she left when she did.”

“I trust you, but that doesn’t explain-”

Umi’s amber eyes darkened with the fading light of the evening. Low simmering growls oozed out of the Route 66 Reptile House for Wayward Lizards house. As if the crocodile’s cries were articulating Umi’s emotional landscape. “I can’t.”

“You… you broke up with our girlfriend, and you can’t tell me _why?_ ” A small, modestly dressed woman and her three children stared at the two girls as she walked them back to her minivan. Kotori might have felt shame, if not for the pulsing sensation of wounded feelings; tears were welling, and she didn’t care at all.

“Is that what Honoka was? Our girlfriend?”

 “You’re the one who invited her into bed, aren’t you? You were the one who said all of those things! And then we just… we hid her….” It wasn’t how the polyamory blogs said these things were supposed to go, Kotori thought. It was supposed to be sharing and communicating their feelings and brunches. Not… not this. Not arguing and pain.

“I… I was drunk! She… you know we always…” A wayward komodo dragon thwapped its tale on the thick glass window. “Honoka was just…”

“Convenient?”

The word had hit its mark, Kotori noted with guilty satisfaction, watching Umi’s face contort into angry lines. “I don’t see why you’re so concerned with her and not with me! I’m your girlfriend now, not her!”

 “I still care about her. She’s still my friend. It’s not like I’m the one who broke up with her! You… you did!”  She threw her now-melting gator gelato at the nearest trash can, and started walking in the opposite direction of Umi, towards the rolling countryside along the highway.  

“Kotori!”

 

///

 

Kotori had wished she kept walking away from Umi, back then.

The ticking of the kitschy llama clock was grating on her ears, a minute and a half faster than the laptop. When they moved to the little farmhouse, everything had been synched together perfectly. Now… everything was discordant. Off.  

She would have understood, if Umi had just told her about it. It had been for work. Hadn’t it? She would have been okay with it. If she’s just told her.

Everything Umi had told her had been a lie. About her job. Her injuries. Why, Kotori assumed, they’d stayed in the States. Had Honoka even done anything wrong? Or had that been another lie of Umi’s?

It was time to leave, Kotori thought. This wasn’t her house. It was time to go home. To see her mother. And maybe, if Honoka wasn’t busy with classes and Maki, to see her.

She only texted one thing, to Umi.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: The Highly Unprofessional Special Agent Hacker co-worker has not been mentioned before, and is entirely a character I made up on the spot. I... kind of wish I had introduced her sooner, she and dead inside grad student are my favorite side characters.
> 
> If I were to ever go back and rewrite this, I might put Kotori's flashback sooner (As well as introduced Hanayo's art school things as they were happening rather than as past exposition.)
> 
> I JUST revamped the opening paragraph of the first chapter + rewrote a few bits of dialogue, nothing major but it smooths a few things out/is less ridiculous than it was first written


	27. Waiting for Honk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico goes out with her girlfriend for a night on the town, has her view on the universe severely altered, with special guest ruby kurosawa 
> 
>  
> 
> tw: alcohol, unreality, absurdism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting close to the end of part 2! just a few more chapters left! 
> 
> this was super hard to write btw and i am dead inside pls kill me

Chapter 27

NICO

 

Time was running out.

The page to the discussion board was not loading. The glowing corner of Nico’s laptop screen told her it was 11:39 PM. Nico wanted to die.

Not that Nico had been looking up shoegaze idol groups and arguing with people on youtube comments of an Angelic Angel mash-up instead of reviewing the lecture. That would be ridiculous.

She’d had sent the mash-up to Eli, who only responded with _please stop sending me these._

In the back of Nico’s mind, Nico had not truly decided communications was what she wanted to do with her life. Or rather, Nico knew she wanted to be an idol, and slogging through the COM 364 discussion board was simply the alternative reality Nico resided in.

In her fantasies, she was an idol again. _A kaleidoscope of colors from the stage lights. Energetic piano music would spill over the roar of electric guitars. Nico’s body swayed with the rhythm, her hands up in her trademark pose, as the crowd went wild. Roses of all hues at her feet._ Sometimes it was just Nico, in the fantasy. More often though, all of u’s was there with her, hand in hand.

She had dreamt of this waking and asleep, but not only this; when they’d gotten back from their tour in Italy the dreams and sensations had started in vivid detail. Pink roses on stage, glistening with dew. (The sky turned grey, the space underneath her rising and falling.) Purple lipstick smearing in the heat, chugging down a bottle between performances. (A light in the distance, above the colorless waves.) In her good dreams, Mari would be behind the stage, calling the shots and booking events, sometimes descending from a helicopter with her own arietta accompanying Nico’s, their voices harmonizing together in a duet.

“Nico?” Nico jumped a little as her GAL PAL waltzed into Nico’s designated room of the hotel in Tokyo they were staying at. (Mari was flawless as usual, in some kind of gothy get-up with boots more expensive than Nico’s last course of college.) “Are you FINISHED? A dear friend of mine is in town and I want to take you both to a new nightclub, it’s called THE VOID. LET’S GO!”

Nico guiltily closed a wikipedia tab on shoegaze idol groups. Gimme a minute.” The discussion board loomed dangerously across the pixels into her mind. _Name the different types of communication methods, the page read, and list some examples in your day to day life_. Nico had skimmed the chapter… but that was two weeks ago and she didn’t feel like opening the pdf file with fifteen minutes left to go. “Mari, BABE-” And now Nico was talking in random English “-Could you give me an example of communication styles in your day to day life?”

Mari gave her a rare serious look. “This was not due TONIGHT, was it Nico Nico?”

Fourteen minutes left. “Of course not. I-I’ll be done soon.”

 

* * *

Education was suffering.

* * *

 

 

When the clock hit 11:59, Nico slammed down on the submit button. It wasn’t her finest work, and the mandatory response to her classmate’s claim that the purest form of communication was via letter (which had absolutely nothing to do with communication styles) was perhaps not the most diplomatic she’d ever been in a classroom discussion, but god dammit, it was _done._

“I did it.”

Mari looked up from her phone screen. “Shall we CELEBRATE?” She sat down on the bed. Black lace bunched up over Nico’s keyboard. Her hands were so soft, kneading Nico’s shoulders. “You’ll hurt your back if you hunch over like that.”

Nico’s muscles relaxed from Mari’s firm grip. “Let’s go. In… a minute. I could melt…”

“THE VOID is famous, you know,” Mari kissed Nico’s bare neck; her long black hair had been pulled into a study panic mode bun. Mari’s grazes had a pressure to them, blooming warm sensations along Nico’s skin.  “A modern PHILOSOPHER visited it once, and they say she discovered the ultimate meaning of life after drinking their special draught. It’s called THE THIRD EYE.”

Nico was more interested in Mari’s lips, the way Mari’s fingers found her collarbones with the softest of pressing. “Uh huh.”

“Do you know what she discovered, what was the meaning of life?”

“Nico is love, Nico is life?”

“The philosopher discovered there was no meaning to anything. Life was an empty hallway that one stumbled down without reason until finally they could crawl no longer. It never stopped. It never ended. Perhaps it never started. It just is. No one would know why the universe exists, why there life to begin with, why the first creatures crawled out of the sea onto the land, why humans can even question EXISTENCE in the first place. No one will ever know anything. There… there is only CHAOS.”

Nico yawned. “That sounds a lot like my freshman roommate.”  

“Oh, Nico. You too will take a sip of the THIRD EYE. You will see the MEANING of LIFE as well.”

“So is that like… a rum runner?”

“THIRD EYE is a delicate balance of bitter floral liquors, an imported tea from a convent of silent nuns, and then shaken with gold leaf and meteorite shavings.” Mari paused for a moment. “It’s about as alcoholic as an electric lemonade.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll go get a shower. Who’s your friend, anyways?” Mari’s friends could be anyone from an American Disney channel star to a world-famous violinist to a friendly raccoon who lived in the hotel’s garbage bins.

“She’s my old teammate! You’ll love her.” Mari winked. “She’s going to be a lot of fun.”

           

            

* * *

 

 

            THE VOID was a grand cathedral; if a cathedral’s windows had been filled with purple neon lights and electric cobwebs, with an ever changing floor beneath their feet, dancing from deep navy to magenta to the brightest amethyst. Something eerie and electric was playing. It was packed with people Nico could have almost recognized, a face from UTX she couldn’t place, a girl from a death metal idol group, a model for a site she’d seen Mari frequent. It would have been mildly uncomfortable, Nico thought, if she hadn’t just spent the last hour panicking away her last bit of brain power.

Mari and Nico were quickly escorted to the VIP section, where Mari promptly ordered them drinks Nico had never heard of and did not want to know the price of; they had to work their way up to THIRD EYE, Mari said.

A quiet redheaded girl joined them at their private little balcony, not saying much but gave the occasional shy glance at Nico. Every time Nico looked her way the girl would blush and sip at her drink. Mari was teasing her and asking her questions about her sister, if she’d loosened up any since they graduated. The girl was shaking her head, waving her hands. Nico guzzled down whatever it was Mari had gotten for her, entirely too sugary to taste the alcohol and too refreshing not to drink fast.

A band was playing where the altar would have been. They were haunting and low with dark soft voices. All girls, Nico noted, all ethereal and lovely and entirely at home on the elevated stage. It was like they owned it. Up front, the audience was cheering. Nico couldn’t help but envy them. In another life, that would have been her. She should have been up there, she thought as she sucked down another one of whatever that drink was, singing and dancing with her friends. Not here. Not sitting on the sidelines, when she was meant to be the center of attention.

There was a glint in Mari’s eyes. “Do you miss the LIMELIGHT, Nico?”

Nico stirred her drink with the little straws, swishing around the glittering fluid. Below them, a sick electric piano solo started. “Yeah.”

Mari kissed her, kissed her lips, kissed her cheeks, her soft lips finally resting on one burning ear. “One call to my father, and,” she nibbled Nico’s ear and Nico tried not to react in front of the little redhead, “We can be on tour next week.”

Déjà vu swept over Nico, with a heat rushing up to her face. Where was it from? It was the strangest sensation, the way her brain wrapped around the feeling. The thought nagged at her, as if she’d dreamt of this in those labyrinthine dreams of fires and oceans. But. This was not a dream she remembered. There was no placing this conversation in memory; none of these words had been spoken to her. Why did it matter? She took another gulp of her overpriced liquid sugar. “Are you for real?”

            Mari nodded earnestly. “I miss it too, Nico. Just… being, the way I am… it’s not that same.” Nico realized she had no idea what Mari did when she wasn’t there. “I’d want to do something a bit harder this time. If…” She bit at Nico’s neck slowly, and this time Nico cried out, both apathetic to her friend’s gasp and the bartender’s sigh. “If that’s alright with you. I like PYROTECHNICS.” 

            “Y-yeah.

“Ohhhh!” Mari’s expression brightened, angelic in the glow of the overhead lights. “We could do a fire theme, right? Do you want to shoot it on a volcano?”

This statement did not bring back feelings of déjà vu.

“Hell yeah let’s shoot on a volcano! Could we get tigers?! TIGERS!” Nico was shouting about the music and she didn’t care. “One for each of us. Wanna sing with us, uh, Mari’s teammate?”

Mari’s teammate nodded enthusiastically. “I want a bunny too, though.”  

A shit eating grin broke across Mari’s face as the iridescent cobwebs hit a neon lime shade, lighting her up into an array of greens. “I’m surprised you don’t want a PANTHER, Nico.”

Nico opened her mouth to hurl something about strawberries in traps, but— _There was fur beneath her fingers. A beast’s chest rising and falling. Heavy leather jacket, fishnet stockings. Soft swearing filled her ears, soft bickering with a woman holding a camera. Low familiar gravel of complaining in the background, isn’t this too garish? We could have just used a cat._ Nico blinked. Just one of those thoughts.  But she was going to need something stronger to drink. Typically, Nico could ignore weird thoughts when she was out doing things. She hadn’t had a strange feeling in their entire trip to Italy, and it was only upon coming home that the dreams had started again.

In her mind’s eye, she could see herself reflected in the green eyes of the panther.

“So are we doing those THIRD EYE shots or not?”

“Oh, SHOTS! How IRREVERANT in the face of THE ABYSS.” Mari kissed her. “My little devil. BARTENDER! Give me three shots of THE THIRD EYE.”

The redhead- Ruby was her name? -trembled in her seat. “My sister said I had to be at least twenty-five before I’m allowed to have my first existential crisis.”

Mari snorted. “Like she didn’t have hers at fifteen like the rest of us.”

            

* * *

 

 

            The first shot… tasted like alcohol. Good, smooth alcohol. It wasn’t Mari’s Everclear, but it certainly… tasted like alcohol. “I’m not seeing an inescapable corridor of meaninglessness, Mari.”

Mari was fluid and animated, so exactly like sober Mari. “Keep them COMING,” she called to the bartender.

“Hey,” Nico nudged her GAL PAL, “I can do that for you just fine.”

The teammate- Ruby, it was Ruby, right?- stared up at them with eyes as wide as overfed rabbits at a county fair. “Um,”

Mari looked at Nico, then Ruby, then the bartender. “MORE SHOTS PLEASE.”

 

* * *

 

 

On the dance floor, Mari’s moves were powerful and straightforward; the redhead- Ruby?- was delicate, like a robin learning to fly over the first buds of spring flowers. Mari was an earthquake in Nico’s hands, a force to be reckoned with. A dark goddess in platform heels; seven shots of THIRD EYE within her and never once did she lose her balance. Mari danced with abandon, throwing herself into the pulse of the beat that drove them all forward, only stopping to take another shot or chug a bottle of water.

2 AM, a clock said somewhere underneath the haze of a fog machine.

Nothing about the situation suggested it were to end, if anything it were to begin. Despite this, though, it felt like everything was drawing to an end. Plans were being made, she knew. Rin had texted her a picture of a ring last week, Honoka and Maki had all but moved in together. Hanayo had gotten an art show. And Nico, well, Nico was doing… whatever this was. It was not where she expected her life to go, in any potential universe. But she couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong.

 

* * *

 

 

She stumbled to the bathroom herself, despite Mari’s offer to follow her.

Red eyes flashed in the darkness. Nico started ten seconds later, ten seconds more she realized she was staring into the bathroom mirror. Bright eyes, desperate eyes. The world was a blurry mess around her. Acidic colors from the neon lights turned her face into a make-up ad, a photoshoot. Not quite real. Nico became art itself. Pink and purple and red and green. Dancing before her eyes, like streetlights smearing onto wet pavement.

“I guess THIRD EYE makes everything into a rave.” Nico muttered, surveying her eyeliner. The flawlessly applied liquid liner had faded with sweat. Once-straight hair curled with moisture around her marked neck.

Red eyes caught hers. Was it urgent? Did they want something? Nico shook her head. Gravity pulled her down, twisted her legs and bumped her into walls, her head heavy and empty.

Inside the stall was quiet. Stillness enveloped her like an old lover- (Metaphorically, not literally, Maki did not envelope.) Only a glow from the bathroom tiles gave her any visibility. A breeze kissed her bare legs. No eyes here. Thoughts were irrelevant, she thought. Here was peace. Darkness was soft. Inviting. A friend. It took her by the hand and told her everything was going to be okay, inside the air-conditioned club bathroom.

It was okay to be soft. Vulnerable. Something was wrong, horribly wrong, she knew. A star had fallen somewhere. Things that should have been were twisted and changed into whatever this… existence was. But within the broken pieces of the world, Nico had found herself a space within the cracks. A quiet place, in the silken darkness…

No. Mustn’t fall asleep in the air-conditioned club bathroom. Mari would be looking for her soon. Mari, the shining presence in her life, who was going to… make her an idol again? Nico stood up. (The world spun, the colors moving like a carousel.) She was going to be an idol… Mari needed to know, what the stillness inside the shadowy bathroom felt like. What was inside Nico, for Mari to peel back and discover. She stumbled to the facet.

Red eyes caught her again in the mirror.

“Fuck.” Nico put her hands down on the artistically tilted sink, glaring at the mirror. “What the fuck. You’re just my eyes, aren’t you? Go away.”

The mirror said nothing.

“What’s your damage?”

 Her expression was unhappy. There was that feeling, like she was dreaming. Like she was looking into the eyes of the panther again. This was stupid, she thought. She was out here to get drunk and make out with her girlfriend, not stare into the abyss of her soul or whatever.

Nico smiled. The face in the mirror did not change.

Behind the reflection the lights had shifted to an emerald. Her reflection’s hand reached out, gesturing for her to come closer.

Nico, even drunk as hell Nico, knew this was a fundamentally bad idea. To interact with this. To get involved in her dreams and waking fantasies. Her mother had once told her never to be involved with anything that couldn’t be explained, and that advice had been useful for most of her adult life.

But something else told her otherwise. That there was truth behind the mirror.

Nico reached out to her double’s hand.

 

* * *

 

 

_“How do we look?”_

_Nico surveyed the two girls. Her teammates had spent the last 30 minutes in the dressing room with the make-up artists, and had come out looking like a gothic goddesses; purple lipstick and heavily-lined eyes. Somehow, it suited them. If Nico hadn’t known who it was, she never would have believed it to be the dweeby first-years she’d met all those years ago._

_“We’re perfect.”_

_“N-Nico, I’m…. I’m nervous.” Hanayo shook. “I dunno if I can do it.”_

_“Don’t worry about that. You did it before, and you can do it again.” Nico gave her a thumbs up. “You’ve got Rin here, and the Number One Idol in the Universe. We’re gonna kick ass.” Sweat ran down her back. Somewhere someone was screaming, a lot of people were screaming. For them? She heard her name, other names. Nico took the girl’s_ _trembling hand. “We’re on next. Let’s give them what they came for.”_

 

* * *

_“Fucking—”_

* * *

 

 

_Honoka was jumped up on a hotel bed. Her hair was longer, bouncing behind her as she moved up and down. “Can we do Disney World? Please?”_

_“Honestly Honoka, you’re too old to be jumping on things…”_

_“Oh, oh, can we go to a Broadway show after the New York concert?” Someone called from the bathroom. “Think of the costume ideas!”_

_“Can we see a baseball game, nyah?”_

_The glare of the computer made Maki look tired. “I’ll see what I can book… we really need a real manager, you guys know…”_

_Hanayo hugged Maki from behind. “You’re the best!”_

_“Yeah, yeah. Like I said, we’ll see. I still need to go over those notes for the tech expo next month and finish up the new song…”_

_“Hey, don’t burn yourself out, okay? You don’t have to do all of this at once. We can slow down for you, and I’ll do whatever I can to help on the astronomy report, so don’t try to do everything by yourself, okay Maki?”_

_Nico snorted. “Like you can talk, Honoka.”_

_“I was sixteen!”_

* * *

 

 

“DARLING. DARLING.”

Thoughts were a black hole, dragging her down into the center of the earth, into herself. A toilet was strangely close to her. There was the floor. Such a cold floor.

 

* * *

 

 

_A window seat. Bickering in the back of the plane. Grey skies. “Can you guys keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep.”_

_“This doesn’t concern you, Nico.”_

_“That’s what I’m saying, keep it the fuck down over there.”_

_Eli stalked over to her. “Now is really not a good time for this, Nico,” Terse voice, out of breath. “Okay?”_

_“Oh my god, I am literally just trying to sleep, you pricks,” Nico pulled her sleeping mask back over her eyes, “Fuck off.”_

_“Don’t bother, Eli. Isn’t it enough you picked the fight with me?” Umi’s voice was a frozen dagger. “Or can’t you back that one up?”_

 

_“You can’t win, and you know it. Don’t even try me.”_

 

* * *

 

The floor was blissfully, wonderfully cool. It was a like a bed. So inviting. Such a nice floor. “Hi. Mari. What. Sleep.”

 “DARLING, are you alright? We’re calling a taxi. Drink the water. I knew I should have checked on you sooner… I’m sorry, Nico…”

 

* * *

 

She awoke in the early hours with Mari passed out on her side. Ruby was sleeping on the couch, arms pulled to her sides. Liquor still buzzed inside her with her uncertain legs, but she managed to pour herself a glass of water without falling over.

What the actual fuck happened?

Was this what Rin had meant, about the odd dreams? (Granted… odd dreams didn’t normally happen when someone was awake. But Rin didn’t drink weird drinks at weird nightclubs either.) It was almost certainly what Nozomi was saying. With all of her stupid-ass mysterious bullshit.

Somehow, despite all odds, Nico was not hung over. She surveyed the area. The kitchenette was reasonably stocked, and there was take-out rice, eggs, and iced coffee in the fridge. No veggies, she noted with disapproval, but it would work. She’d make food.

A startled squeak rose from the couch as Nico pulled out a pan. “Miss Y-Yazawa!” Nico squinted at the figure, still not in full light but at least not in a nightclub; bright red hair in little high pigtails, green eyes. _Like Maki and I had a baby._

She cracked the egg on the side of the pan. “Just Nico is fine.”

            There was the smallest look of awe in the girl’s eyes, and for a second Nico suspected this girl had been a u’s fangirl. “Bet you never thought you’d see Nico Yazawa post nightclub, eh?”

            “Umm, well, you’re cool, Miss Nico! Like you’re a grown-up!”

            Nico. A grown up. “Want some breakfast? I’m making fried rice and there’s iced coffee in the fridge.”

            “Y-yeah um, thank you. Mari had me go get it! She said you might need it but she was worried and didn’t want to leave…” 

            “She’s the perfect girlfriend, you know.” She tossed the ingredients into the pan. What did those… memories? flashbacks? dreams? mean? They pressed up against her brain, taunting her with their ambiguity. Eli and Maki, with a panther. What kind of repressed memory was that? Did Nico have an especially bad double date with Maki and Nozomi and Eli once? Was there a PV she didn’t remember? Never mind the rest. The concert, the hotel room, the plane… None of it fit into anything.

            Nico was still drunk, a little bit. Her fingers moved on their own towards her phone. _Hey Eli, have we ever pet a panther together?_

            “Miss Yaza- er, Nico?”

            “Just Nico is fine.”

            “Are you and Mari serious?”

            Nico stared at Ruby like a deer in the headlights. She had no idea if this was how Mari treated all of her girlfriends of the year, or if six months was dead serious for her. “Uhhh… I think that is a grown-up conversation. But uh. I am fond of her.”  She took a sip of coffee.

            “She really likes you, you know.”

            Nico’s phone buzzed. Eli had typed _does Maki count?_ Nico almost spit out the coffee.

            _No, for real, have we gone to a zoo together or anything? Or ridden a plane together after New York, for that matter?_ A second after she sent it, she wondered if Eli had been the right person to ask. Something was happening with her, Nico did have a vague sense of that. But… Nozomi was just so damned mysterious with these things.

“I really like Mari too. She’s… a breath of fresh air.”

_Are you having strange memories, Nico?_

They were in silence for a moment as Nico finished up the meal, and doled it out onto plates (saving some for Mari for later.) She typed out her reply as she sat down to eat. _Yeah…_

_Nico, listen to me. There are some very odd scientific phenomena happening right now in the world. It is dangerous for you, especially if you are experiencing these sensations. Wherever you are- you need to leave. Go to somewhere safe. Out of country if you must. As soon as you can. Tell the others. If they’ve been affected by any odd dreams or false memories like yours, they are in danger as well._

Nico stared at her screen. She didn’t think she needed the coffee to sober up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually used to know SOMETHING about philosophy and promptly forgot most of it


	28. The Honk of Light and Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maki dreams in the hospital, upon waking she finds things have changed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are... almost ready to happen. >:D I HOPE this will be wrapped up within 15k/by the end of the year, but no promises.

CHAPTER 28

MAKI

 

            A voice cut through the emptiness.

Maki had heard the voice everywhere: in the dusty piano room that smelled like chalk and sunshine, in the cluttered room with shining posters and laughing girls, under the lights of a stadium with crowds looking on, in the front row seat of Principles of Biology, under the fallen star-streaked sky. It wasn’t the only one. Older, familiar voices that were worn to a thread. Cracks broke up the furious slew of questions that Maki could not quite make out from her daze. Somehow, she knew she didn’t want to know. Not yet.

 

* * *

          

_It was spring. May, something told Maki, an evening in May.  They’d gone for a walk and the sun had begun to set when they’d reached the park. Fireflies rose in response, winking green and yellow at the girls. Children played on the swings and their parents watched like benevolent hawks, waited for a scraped knee to soothe, smiling indulgently at the pair of girls holding hands, talking gently amongst themselves. There was something the girl wanted to tell her, Maki knew, the way her expression was set so firmly._

 

* * *

 

 

            Maki’s parents were pacing when she opened her eyes again. Honoka was sleeping on a chair. Had they gotten older in the semester and a half she’d been away? Her mother’s hair was unwashed, uncurled. Her father looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. No sound came out of her throat when she tried to speak. It didn’t seem necessary. They were here.

 

* * *

 

  _It was the same place again._

_The girl’s hands were firm against Maki’s, never pulling too hard or plodding limp against Maki’s palms. She took Maki to the pavilion, its corners filled with golden light.  Averments of love and good times were scribbled in sharpie. Her friends had been here before, etching their legacy into the bench. The girl had graduated last week, Maki remembered, under the cherry blossoms with her friends. She’d be leaving. They’d only been going out for a few months._

_“I want to talk to you about something.”_

 

* * *

 

 “You say you did everything? I could have performed that surgery better, a kid fresh out of med school could have performed that surgery better, you incompetent-”

“Please! Dear…”

“You know I could have sav-”

“Not in front of Miss Kousaka, _please_ -”

Maki had never heard her dad raise his voice like that. He was a stern man. Not expressive with his words. Never agitated, not even at the hospital on long shifts. She was happy, in a way. That he was here. That he cared. There was a nagging feeling that she should be worried, but it washed away with the call of sleep.  There was the warmth of the bed and the strange softness in her chest.

 

* * *

 

 

_The girl with the blue eyes was speaking. “I’ve been talking with the others, and… they miss it, you know. I miss it. I know not all of us wanted to go major and that’s why we ended it… but, well, I think we’re all ready now.” She squeezed Maki’s hand. “If you’re ready.”_

_Maki was a second year, or at least, she must have been, with her hair weighing down on her back. “Of course I’m ready.”_

_"It’s a part of who we are.”_

_The dream was wrong, she knew, in some far away balcony of her mind, watching the images like a play. She’d been flirting with Nico when the second years graduated. She wouldn’t have been holding hands with Honoka; Honoka had been making plans to go abroad the entire last semester. It’d rained all month. She’d caught a cold that spring. Maki remembered how disappointed Honoka was when the cherry blossoms shriveled with the frost._

_“Let’s be the idols we were meant to be.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“Maki…”

Honoka’s copper hair was sprawled over the side of her bed. On the next chair were piles of books and papers. Like they were home, Maki thought. Maki moved to grasp her fingers, except-

At the shudder of movement, Honoka snapped up. “You’re awake!”

Maki tried to move forward.

There was metal on her hands, on her arms. Wires.

Her hands were suspended.

She couldn’t move properly. Couldn’t reach out to Honoka. There was a numbness where there should have been sensation, no awareness in her fingers. “Honoka, what is…?”

A sick look passed Honoka’s face; beyond pity, beyond remorse. She’d never seen that look on Honoka’s face before.

She’d seen that look on her father’s face. 

The crash. The train. Her mind scattered to all corners, picking up the sick crack of metal on metal and the beating of waves. Waves? That didn’t make any sense. None of this made any sense. She couldn’t feel her fingers, and of course she could always feel her fingers.

A scream was building, in the back of her raw throat.

This couldn’t have happened. Maki was a college student who spent time with her girlfriend, just a normal girl, not… this was another strange dream, she thought, another one she could sleep through and all of this would go away.

“Maki, I…”

“W-what is this?”

“In the crash, you… Maki, I’m so sorry, your hands…”

“What about my hands?”

“You’ll be able to use them again, but…”

Maki, the perfect child set to take over the hospital, Maki, who’d been in and out of pre-med camps since she was eight, Maki, whose parents had strung all their hopes upon like lights on a tree, to finish their work, Maki, star student of Otonokizaki high school, Maki, who had been expected to study brain surgery by her father, Maki, who had wanted to play piano professionally once…

Her mind rejected this. This made no sense. Maki’s hands were her life. “Can you… ask the nurse to give me another dose of the painkiller…?”

  

* * *

 

 

_Silence fell on the playground, and only the crickets were speaking with them now. Fireflies flashed around them like a fairy circle, like princesses in their own storybook. “Nico’s manager wants to sign us. Nico’s… a little hesitant. Since she’s the number-one super idol right now. But she says she misses performing with a group. She even wants the sub-units back together. For music videos and stuff. She said she wanted to finally do a Cutie Panther video…” Honoka pouted. “I kind of wanted to be in a sub-unit with you…”_

_“Just you, me, and, oh…” Maki tried to think of an unlikely sub-group, “Nozomi, maybe?”_

_“Yeah! Or maybe with Rin and we could do a stars and sun theme…”_

_“Do you really think… I mean, we’re still just kids, and we’re getting signed? Do you think we can still do it? I’m a little rusty.”_

_“Of course we will.” She kissed Maki’s cheek, “Are you ready to be an idol again?”_

            

* * *

 

           

Her father wasn’t making eye contact. Maki let the words roll off her as he spoke. He was saying something, how she could still do whatever she wanted and they’d back her up a hundred percent, that it was his own fault for pushing her into medicine in the first place. Not sending her to the best school possible. Not having her live on campus. Someone was crying.

He wasn’t making sense. None of this made sense. This wasn’t Maki her father was talking to, was he? Who was this really happening to? Words came out with no thought. “I’m not going to pass theoretical methods of physics, am I?”

Maki pretended she didn’t see her father’s eyes tearing up. She should have gone home more, she thought. She never dreamed they’d come up just for this.

 

* * *

 

 She’d almost fallen asleep, when Honoka came in. The world was blurred under the fog of the medicine. (Time didn’t pass. Eternity would come and go as the nurses changed shifts, her parents paced endlessly, Honoka arriving and leaving, all of them talking in hushed whispers. “We can afford anything, just, _please_ —” she’d heard her father say. The whispers never stopped.)

There was a sense they were alone. Dim twilight peeked through the cracks of the shades, although night and day meant little to Maki. How long she’d been there, when the train had crashed; it was as if she were floating away from existence, into her own pocket of space.  

Honoka pulled her chair close to the bed. Maki tried to look up, tried to say something. (Did it matter, what she said? Did anything she did matter anymore?) Speech was gravid; her tongue had been pulled to the bottom of the sea, words gathered in her mind with little reason behind them like a minimal poem.  

_Where? My hand. Metal. Back to the fireflies. Back to then…_

“Maki…”

 _Honoka._ There was a sense of relief whenever Honoka and her parents were there and a sense of apprehension when they were gone. She felt very young again, like a child waiting for her family to come home. Maki would never admit it, but something about being on the other side of the bed made her scared.  How would she ever have done this? She would have made a terrible surgeon. Operating on these frightened creatures shivering in their thin sheets. Watching the way their faces rose and fell at the doctor’s word. It was too visceral for Maki. To have such power over life and death. So she told herself.

There was a faint scent of flowers. On the stark counter was a bouquet, something bright and cheery. Maki smiled, or at least attempted at a smile. Honoka’s eyes widened.

“You’re awake!”

 _I dreamed. Of you. We were young… and whole._ Maki sort of nodded at her.

“I miss you! I miss you so much. Going back to the apartment is…” Honoka sighed. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you. I’ve been here every day and I’ll keep coming, okay?  They have to throw me out every night. Your parents are here a lot too. They’ve been really nice. I’d get you something fun to eat but I don’t think they’d let me put that in the IV. You should be able to eat real food soon! Er. At least liquids.” Honoka was talking a little too fast, Maki thought. “When you’re better I’ll make you some of the sweets I used to help with at the bakery. But uh, your mom helped me pick out some flowers for you.”

There was a tender feeling in Maki’s chest, that burned and bloomed. “I-it’s pretty…” Her voice came out as a rasp.

Honoka beamed at her. “I knew you’d like it.”

 _They’re beautiful._ “Mmm.”

“You know your dad actually made me keep going to classes after the first couple of days? Can you believe that? He said one of us out of school was bad enough.” 

Maki could believe it.

“It’s not the same without you there… studying is hard, you know? I’ve started drinking black coffee all the time. It’s gross! I’m… I’m so tired. And…” Honoka let her last word trail off. She grasped the railing of the hospital bed. Her nails had been bitten down. There were dark circles under her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept in a week.

“You… should sleep. Good for you.”

“I can’t.”

“That’s what happens…” Her throat felt like it had been rubbed with sandpaper. “…when you drink coffee all the time.”

Honoka laughed. “I missed you, Maki.”

Maki felt strangely at peace, in that moment. She wished Honoka could come up on the bed with her, but…  Somewhere a small part of her was screaming, that this was so not okay at all. But that part of her mind was easy to ignore right now, with the inability to follow complicated trains of thought. “Mmm.”

With a light touch, Honoka stroked her hair. “You’re always pretty, even after surgery. It’s not fair, Maki. The rest of us would at least have to brush our hair.”  

It would hurt to laugh, so Maki frowned at her girlfriend. “Haven’t done anything but sleep.”

Honoka’s fingers were warm on her head. Each touch was careful and soft, as if she pressed too hard Maki would break. She was focused on her, like she was devoting each of Maki’s facial features to memory. “You don’t need to do anything.” Maki wanted to reach out and hold her hands hand, to pull her close, and-

The restraints jerked as Maki tried to move forward. Honoka’s face fell.

“Ah! Maki! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“Honoka! Please. I. This is… Don’t stop touching me. Ever. Don’t leave.”

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

They sat in silence for a while. Somewhere something was beeping, nurses were chattering, wheels were rolled down the hall. This was her life, in another universe. This is what Maki was supposed to have become. A doctor. The hospital setting should have been familiar. It wasn’t.

Honoka almost said something several times, as she sat stroking Maki’s hair. Each time Maki lifted her eyes to attention, Honoka would turn away, broiling with some inner conflict on her expression face. What was it, Maki wondered. What could her idol-turned-scientist girlfriend have possibly be keeping from her? She thought she saw tears in Honoka’s eyes.

 “Hey.”

Her voice was a little strained. “Maki?”

“Are you… okay?”

Honoka nodded too enthusiastically. “Yeah, yeah. Totally fine. We need to worry about you, okay? I’m not a concern right now.”

“You’re my girlfriend. Dummy.”  

 “But…”

“Too tired to argue right now, Honoka… you’re going to tell me everything when I’m out of here, okay?”

“I will.” Honoka kissed her forehead with a surgeon’s delicacy. “Really.”

“I’ll be furious if you don’t.”

“Everything.”

Fatigue tugged at Maki’s eyes. Sleep was waiting to coil around her, taking her away to a place with fireflies and idols. Her girlfriend smiled at her, sad but Maki could still feel the love from its warmth. A song crept into her ears, its words soft and irrelevant. Honoka’s voice sounded so melancholy, so sweet and full. It was one of the first things Maki fell in love with, she realized. Honoka’s voice was a comfort, a cool blast of air on a hot day. As long as she was there, everything was going to be okay. _“No matter what the future brings…”_

* * *

 

 

“I’m so sorry, Maki.”

Maki wasn’t sure she was dreaming, when she heard Honoka speaking again.

“You know… I…” Honoka had the railing in a vice grip. It was still dark, but a sliver of an expression could be seen. Her face was crumpled, her eyes raw and wet. “I messed up. This all… could have been prevented. “If I had just… moved faster… I could have done it, but…”

Maki had absolutely no idea what Honoka was talking about.

Her mouth wouldn’t seem to move, open. The nurses must have upped the dosage of painkillers again— even keeping her eyes open was a burden.

“Maki… none of this was supposed to happen. Any of it. You were supposed to be the one who did…  Everything is so messed up… I tried doing everything myself again, and now…” A sob crept into her voice. “If I’d just told you, told you what you needed to do, then maybe…I messed up. I messed up so bad. I messed up the first time and I don’t even _remember it_ , I messed up this time, I can’t mess up again. I can’t keep doing this, when I don’t even know what really happened before. But I can’t go stop now. Even if… even if for a moment, we were happy. I have to, because _everything_ …”

            “I’m going to make this right, Maki. I’m going to fix this. Even if… even if you can’t come with me. Even if I’m alone. Even if you won’t remember… But… you’ll be okay again.”

 

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel sad, you can blame my poor beta who suggested some of things that happened.


End file.
